Dear you,
I often think about where I went wrong. I've gone over our friendship over and over, spent hours trying to pin point the moment that you were done. But I honestly can't. I don't know what I did wrong. The person that I am, is the person that you've been friends with for over 7 years. Yes, there have been some changes, but those were changes for the better. And you've obviously changed over the years. But we grew together, grew towards each other. We did everything together, and I thought we were good that way. It wasn't just me wanting to be closer to you, you wanted to be closer to me.
You had said that a lot of things had accumulated over the past few months, but you never said anything to me. In a friendship, as well as any other relationship, there must be communication. You never talked to me, never told me when I pissing you off. When you first stopped talking to me, I thought it was just you, going through another one of your phases where you wanted to be alone. Was that your way of telling me that I was doing something wrong? Maybe it was, but you had always done that, I thought it was just a part of who you were. A paranoid depressed stoner who had to be left alone sometimes.
What happened that night at the bar? You said that was the final straw for you, but I honestly don't know what I did wrong. Did it have something to do with that guy coming up to me when we were leaving, asking for my number? I remember how you left, saying you would wait outside. You didn't talk to me the whole way home. The skytrain, bus, nothing until you got to your stop, you looked at me briefly, put a smile on, and said, “Bye!”. That was the last thing you said. Up until the exchange, that was basically our last interaction, and I was happy that you were smiling in it. We did still catch the skytrain home together, but we didn't talk. You almost walked right past me a few times. I knew something was wrong on that day when you rushed ahead and started walking home, not even waiting for me.
I don't know what I did, and it kills me inside. Not knowing what I did to push my best friend away. We were so close, you were like my other half. What happened to forever and ever? We were supposed to last. How did we change so much, how did you grow to hate me so much that you can't even look me in the eye, can't even talk to me long enough to tell me what I did? Even over a text, you can't tell me. And I don't want to push you, because I don't want you to feel pestered, I don't want to upset you in any way.
I wish I could apologize for hurting you. You said that I don't need you, but I do. Yes, the boys give me happiness, and I have fun with them, but I also had so much fun with you. It was different with you. We watched every single playoff game together. When the boys asked me to go to the bar, if you didn't want to go I wouldn't. I don't want to make you feel bad by saying that I gave things up for you, I want you to feel special that I would have rather hung out with you than them. I preferred you.
This whole dilemma hurts me so much, when I think about you I want to cry. But I also know that there is no going back. When you sent me those texts, telling me how you felt, saying your life was more peaceful without me, depression stage or not it was done. You can't take some things back, and that hurt so much. People told me you would get over it, but I knew that I couldn't.
Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. Our houses and work are each two blocks away from each other. Every time I go or leave home, I'm scared I'm going to see you. I even started catching the bus at an earlier time so you wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. I get to work half an hour early some mornings. And the one time that I was running late and caught the same bus, you didn't come anywhere near me.
I honestly don't know what I did wrong in our friendship, but I wish we could have talked about it. Maybe then I could have told you what you were doing wrong. I'm sad that you're gone, but I'm also a bit happier. I can go out with my friends and not worry about you judging me for drinking on a week night. I no longer have to worry about what I've done to upset you, if it was even me that upset you, about what in the world has gotten you upset and how I can help you feel better. I can talk to my friends, and they listen to me. They don't blatantly ignore me. Is that why you couldn't take it anymore? Was it because I have a bunch of friends and we have a lot of fun, and you didn't want to listen about it because you sat at home all the time, refusing to come out with us? Was it because guys came up to me and flirted with me, and they didn't with you? I ignored guys for you, told them I wasn't interested if you didn't want to talk to them, which you never did and sometimes you were very rude for no reason.
I could go on guessing forever about what I did to hurt you. About what I did to make you hate me so much you can't even look me in the eye. But I won't go on forever guessing. I'm never going to forget you, or our time together. But it will always be tainted with the horrible way you ended our friendship, by not talking to me for two weeks, and I'm the one who broke the silence, asking what happened. I wonder how long you would have gone without talking to me. I had no idea of the state we were in.
I wish I could send this to you. So you can know my feelings.
You didn't give me my key ring back with my keys.
Sincerely, me
