I Tamper With Evidence At The Murder Scene

How come when I see someone, he gets all mad and says, "Please don't string me along for fun". Just when I go on a date with someone. Then he doesn't talk to me for two weeks because he's all upset.

Yet, he goes and fools around with the ugly fat chick at his work. Tells his best friend, who is obviously going to tell his girlfriend, who is my best friend, and will obviously tell me. Because we're all a bunch of females who gossip.

He can fuck some chick, but I can't go on a date with someone? Really?

I will never understand boys.

Especially when they act like they have vaginas.

Wipe that sand out of your vag and grow up.

I told N that I needed to find a way to get back at him, because I'm immature like that.

She said, "Hey, his brother is going to be in town soon. Go make out with him. Right in front of him."

Now, I would never do that. That's just rude. Especially since I've made out with his brother before. Yes, his brother is hotter, nicer, sweeter, better, really. But do I really want to stoop to that level? Because of some guy who I just have "casual sex" with, as he put it?

Hrrmmmm.... I may just want toooo....

Sweet Dreams

I don't remember the last time I had such a horrible week at work. So many things are going wrong.

It started with BossLady breaking her hip on the weekend, and so she's out for at least this week, as she's getting surgery, then who knows when she'll be able to come back into work. Her retired husband was joking about how he's going to have to bring her to work in a wheelchair every day, because she's going crazy not being at work.

Many other things are going wrong, but they aren't worth mentioning. Just a whole bunch of small things adding up.

Then today, when I went for McDonald's (because I'm all about the healthy food), three people budged in front of me! Three! I mean, I know that I'm small and everything, but I need to eat, too. I just blared my Dethklok even louder.

Sometimes I blare my music really loud, and don't care about other people. I'm rude like that, yeah. When the person sitting next to me is basically sitting on top of me, I blare it. I'll teach you to leave me no room. Again, I know that I'm small and everything, but still. My ass isn't that small, move the fuck over.

I moved into my place last weekend. It's kind of nice to be all alone. I just wish that I had a TV or computer. My phone has a wicked data plan, so I just sit on MSN all night chatting with my friends, and I could browse the internet. But I can't watch anything. I just sit there, listening to music.

I recently banned myself from listening to Marilyn Manson. I started hearing things, I swear it. I love him, but his music makes me go crazy. Such a shame.

L and I are talking again, and we hung out a lot on the weekend. I spent the night at his place on Friday, then he just assumed that he was going to be helping me move (surprised the hell out of me), then on Sunday we went to Ikea. I love Ikea so much. I was supposed to buy a book case, but it turns out that L has a entertainment unit at home that he's not using, basically brand new. Has enough room for my books, DVD's, and a TV. Hopefully I'll be getting a TV soon? And cable?

After L and I went to Ikea on Sunday, we just went back to my place and cuddled on my couch, while he tried to figured out how to decorate my house/where to put everything. I just let him do that, and got my cuddles. He's more girly in that way, I'm more manly. I don't decorate. I just put things places, I don't really care.

I'm going to go and pretend to work now. BossMan is pretty angry these days!

Laser Canon Deth Sentence

Oops, long time no post. Lots has happened! Oh golly, me!

Halloween: Went to a bar with my cousin. We just sat at the bar, the two of us, talking. It was different. Until this fellow came along, dressed up as Thing 1. I had no idea what he looked like, but he seemed really nice and funny, etc, so we exchange numbers. He wanted to me to go to a party, but my cousin wanted to go home, so I did as well. I sent him a text telling him so, and we started texting a little bit, and he tried calling. It was horrible when he tried calling, because normally I would have answered his call, but I was kind of hanging out with L.

The whole week after we met he wanted to meet me, take me out for drinks, but I was sickly, so I was unable to. Awesomely enough, after I was all better, he still wanted to meet me. We hung out, went to a few pubs, then ended up at his place, because my roomie (my boo) wasn't answering her phone, so I wasn't sure if she had left the chain on or not. I found out the next day that the chain was indeed off, and I could have gone home. He was glad that I didn't though, hahaaha.

It seems to be going pretty good with him. We chat almost every day, he likes to call me when he's on his way home from work, and yesterday he stopped by my place, because it's right on his way home from work. Yeah makeout sessions in the car! I felt like I was in high school again. Except this time, it's with an older guy who drives a Jaguar, and not his parents mini van. Hells yeah.

L is out of the picture now. When he found out that I was seeing someone (how I don't know), he told me that he didn't want to be a part of it. I told him that I didn't ask him to, and what did it matter, since we were just friends. He hasn't talked to me since. Oh well. I don't need anymore of his drama. He needs to get the sand out of his vagina and grow up. So many mind games, so much drama, I have no patience for it.

I was supposed to be moving out with N at the end of this month. But I have decided not to. Why? Because I'm all over the map and can't make up my fucking mind. I'm going to be moving into an apartment close to my boo hopefully, so we can still hang out and watch the hockey games together. I'm worried about getting lonely, so I'll have her close by. :)

Needless to say, N isn't too happy. She's been saying that I'm lazy, and not putting enough effort into moving out with her. I guess I just never really wanted to move to her parts. Or maybe it's because L is out of my life again, and I hope to keep it that way. If I live close to him, with his best friends girlfriend, my chances of seeing him rise. I don't like those chances.

I hate Thing 1's name. I have never used his real name before, not even with my friends. He's even in my phone as Thing 1. He has the same name of my uncle who passed away a little over a year ago, and it still hurts to think of it. I made him introduce himself to my friends so I wouldn't have to say his name. This is why I like to date guys who have weird names; so it isn't awkward in any way. I hope he doesn't realize that I don't use his name! Hahaha.

I got my back tattoo touched up and redone. It looks so amazing now. The flower pops, the tribal is much darker, and it hurts like a bitch. Now that I finally have this one finished, I can get started on my next one: a cherry blossom tree on the left side of my back, with it branching out onto my left arm. It will be amazing, and it will hurt even more. Oh, the joys.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart

I often wonder about what kind of life I could of had if I had been born to parents who were a bit more well off. Sometimes I wish I was from a family with more money, as shallow as that may seem. Not because I'm materialistic, only because I really want to go to school. Like, really really really want to go to school. I miss learning. I want to make something of my life.

But I have to work full time so that I can live. Pay bills. Whoopie, adult life. I don't want to take out a huge loan, because I don't even know what I want to do with my life. My friend took out a $20,000 loan to go to school. Now she's all "sick", and not going to school, and just has this huge loan. I don't want to be in debt like that. I would go crazy. Fuck, I owe $200 on my Visa right now and it's driving me insane. I could just pay it with my savings, but I don't like to go under a certain amount. Because I like money. I want lots in case of an emergency. Which I'm in right now. I have no furniture. Ha!

I'm moving out in December with N. I caved to her will, and I'm waiting for her to move out. She's going on vacation for a week at the beginning of November, so she can't afford to move out right now. So I wait. Until December. My new bed frame that I bought? Won't be even set up for another month. That hope I had of being able to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in my own house? A distant thought now. All the while, N is going to Mexico, and sleeps at her boyfriends house almost every night, peacefully. How jealous I am.

I hope she changes her mind and we move out sooner.

I did a few calculations yesterday while I should have been working (in between Farmville, of course), and I need to seriously cut back on the spending. Almost a whole paycheque goes somewhere. Where does it go? I don't know. How about we go around asking all the fast food joints, bars, and clubs that I go to if they like my money. I think they do. My bank misses it. I should be using that money to go to school. I need to do something and start saving more money! Then instead of wasting my time on blogs and facebook, I could be learning! Online courses, just do it at work. Take some English courses.... Maybe one day be an editor... Move to New York...

Or even just become an editor. A book editor. Do something. Get my freakin' brother off my back. Every time I see him, he yells at me for not being in school. He wants me to get a loan. Off all people, he should understand that I don't want to be in debt. He's so far into debt that he is completely comfortable with the fact that he's never going to get out.

I got my hair cut on the weekend. BossLady said I look five years younger. Not the look I was going for. But what does she know? She's almost 70, probably going blind. Her opinion doesn't count. Everyone else loves the look. I just miss my length.

Bye bye 9 inches of hair. I miss you! <3

Everyday I'm Hustlin'

What's better than a long weekend to which you get to spend with your family?

A long weekend where you get drunk, do stupid things, watch karaoke, get puked on, and hear the best pick up lines.

Friday started with me getting ditched. Why in the world would someone do that? Especially on a Friday night, it's just rude, that's what it is! When she texted me the next day, she claimed that she was in the hospital. It is possible, it could be true, but this girl will use every excuse in the book the day after you were supposed to hang out.

"I left my phone in my friends couch, LOL."

Anyway, I made other plans. I was going to go and hang out with N & B, after they got back from going to a hockey game. But they didn't plan to be back until 10ish, and it takes me an hour to get to where he (basically they) live. I was hoping that I could find someone to hang out with until then, but everyone seemed busy. Then, all of a sudden, I got invited out to a bar. I was out the door in 15 minutes! Thank goodness it doesn't take me long to get ready.

Met up with M, we went to said bar. There was a guy there that I bbm with all the time, so I was kind of excited to see him. I was kind of crushing a little bit, wanted to see if anything was there when we hung out in person. Turns out, he's totally in love with M. There's goes that idea. Good thing, too, because in person he is totally weird. I mean, I'm weird, no doubt about that. I sit in fridges. But this guy, I can't even put into words how odd this character is. Moving on.

One of the guys there, I'd met him a few times, and he's really nice. We got bored, decided to go and walk around the bar. Why, you may ask, I have no idea. We get to the dance floor, and stop. I wanted to dance, but not with him. I'm very short, and this guy is like 6'2". He turns to me and goes, "We need some Jet!". Confused, I ask why. "I remember weird things... The first song we danced to was a Jet song." A bit baffled, I laugh and jokingly ask if he remembers what song. "Yeah! Are You Gonna Be My Girl."

Okay, I haven't hung out with this guy in two years. Awkward? I think so. How does one remember these things.

Anyways, N called, and I peaced it. It wasn't very fun hanging out with them. And I kept seeing people that I went to elementary/middle school with. That part was not fun. I wanted out of there. The place has the potential of being a lot of fun. But with the people I went with, ridiculous. M kept hanging all over the guy, which in my opinion is very rude. She dated his best friend for two and a half years. She shouldn't be all over him. Codes, man!

Met up with B and N, spent the night there, woke up early to go and take a Greyhound to visit my brother. Nothing interesting happened there, just visited with family, taught my niece weird things (i.e. how to say Holla! instead of hi), then N and B picked me up, and we went to karaoke. No, I did not sing. Was not drunk enough. N sings very well, but just jokes around because she doesn't like to sing in public. Her and B sang Because I Got High and I got a video. Oddly, they would prefer if I didn't facebook it. Odd.

At one point when I was buying a drink, some random guy, 30-40 years old, came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, "Excuse me.. Are you always this pretty? Or did you just know that I was going to be here?" I laughed so hard. I felt a bit nervous, but it was hilarious. He made sure to say goodbye to me before he left.

After leaving, L came and picked me up from B's house. There was no fun to be happening there, as he didn't buy any condoms. I'm not one for sex without condoms, which just meant that I was cranky as I was unsatisified. He suggested we do other things, but I wasn't for it! No matter what, when I'm fooling around, in the end I expect sex! Is that weird? Really, all I want is the sex. Thank you.

Sunday was spent with mostly just my N. I loves her so. Bought some new clothes, then we picked up B and went to a pub to watch the game, in which we won! High five! I've been wanting to see a game where we would finally win, thank goodness it was that night. It was a pretty bunk night. B and N ended up dropping me off at L's house, because they wanted to go home and do the nasty. Thankfully, I got to do it, too. Yay for buying condoms! Poor cashier, when he bought the condoms, he also bought apple pie. Cashier gave him kind of a weird look with a little laugh, and he said, "It's going to be a good night." Winked, then walked away.

I need to find a way to meet new people. Mostly guys.

And I'm getting my hair done this weekend. Goodbye length and light brown hair. Hello shorter, darker hair. :D

The Past Should Stay Dead

Well, I am very lucky that my situation figured itself out. I don't know how the hell I was going to tell her I didn't want to live with her.

It started yesterday after work when we met up. I told her that I wanted to move to a cheaper area, that way I would be able to save money for school. She hates that area, and disregarded it, saying no, she didn't to move there because it scared her, even though she grew up there. Whatevs. We went home, didn't speak. Awkward.

Then last night, while in bed sleeping away, her demonic cat decided to attack my head while I was sleeping. Which was followed quickly by me screaming profanities at it.

Which was followed quickly by her attacking my feet, and the profanities being repeated.

This morning, we also didn't talk. I said goodbye, she didn't, I waved, she finally waved.

Then, while at work I received a bbm from her saying, "I've made arrangements to sign papers to stay at my place. You can stay but if you don't like it you can go."

And she's not mad, which is a bonus. She just doesn't want to move to a cheaper area, is worried about my hatred for her feline, and the fact that I want to go to school.

Problem solved!

Now, let's just hope that N doesn't bail out on me, and is actually going to move out with me. She's going on vacation on November 1st for a week. She's going to move in after me.

Moving situation, dealt with. High five!

Gravity

This week just isn't my week. Work isn't going so well, little things are stressing me out and making me generally unhappy, and there's not a whole lot to do. I'm bored; I need a challenge. I need something more fulfilling in my day than having time to read the many blogs that I read and to post blogs. I want to have a career, I'm done with this receptionist job, and dealing with people not coming into the office, and leaving me to deal with their clients that are here for an appointment, because they forgot to call and cancel.

I hate today. I hate this week. I want to go home.

But I don't even really have a home. I'm living with my boo for the moment. All of my clothes are at her house, but all of my stuff (books, other clothes, etc) are at the house with J. Because I still paid the rent, so I get to keep my stuff there. I've been ignoring his texts. I can't deal with him. I can't deal with anything right now. My boo and I are looking for a new place to live, with more space, since she only has a 1 bedroom. But I don't even want to live with her, really. I did at one point. But, I just don't want to. I want to live with N. I want to live in her parts, because it's cheaper there. It's more expensive in boo's parts, and I don't want my rent to go up significantly. That's my booze money, bitch!

I really don't know what I want to do. I know who I want to do (ha ha), but not what I want to do currently. I want everyone to be happy, but the more I try and make everyone happy, the more unhappy I get. I'm not happy with boo. I'm happy with N.

I'm happy by myself. Maybe I'll move in with momma. Save money, move out on my own. Fuck, I'd move in with N.

What about boo? She gave her notice. I need help here. I have no idea what to do.

N said that I need to quit being so nice, and look out for myself as well, make me happy, or else I'm just going to get taken advantage of. I have a headache from so much damn thinking.

Ugh. I'm just getting pulled down so hard, I don't know what to do. I'm not happy.

Detharmonic

I wish that my job could be just a little more interesting. That I could have more work to do, and I wasn't on facebook and texts from last night and fmylife.

But no. I have nothing to do at work. I try to find work, find big projects for me to do. But they don't last very long.

Tonight, there is a hockey game. N, B and I are going to go to a pub and watch. Grab some munchies. B doesn't have cable in his new house. Been too busy. Pft, too busy to get cable before the hockey season starts? You have down time at work; use it.

I wonder if L would want to come ... Hrrrmmmm....

I feel like forcing myself to write until it's my next smoke break. But that's fifteen minutes from now. Even as I'm writing this, my eyes are wandering about my desk. Looking outside towards the mountains, past the water, barely recognizable through the thick rain clouds. They say the sun is coming back. I don't know whether or not I should believe them. Two days ago, it was raining so hard that little creeks were forming. I just ran across the street to buy smokes and back, and my pants were soaked. It was ridiculous.

Ever notice how a lot of people spell that word wrong? It's not "rediculous". One big thing that annoys me. "That's rediculous!"

What's ridiculous is that fact that you graduated and can't spell.

I always feel so sneaky being on blogs at work. Actually, being on anything at work that I'm not supposed to be on.

I can't do this anymore. 8 more minutes. Fuck, this blog took up a lot of my time. *insert sarcasm here*

I think I have ADD.

In The Water I Am Beautiful

It's a Tuesday afternoon, and BossLady is gone. BossMan is also gone. This means that I can sit around and do nothing even more so today. I have some time sheets on my desk to make it look like I'm doing work. I hope it fools everyone.

On Friday night, hung out with N. It was supposed to be our night to just be by ourselves, hang out and drink. Just the two of us. So we went to the park to drink! We can never just hang out, the two of us. We always attract people. Like at the park. There were a few guys there, doing the same thing as us. They also lived in the neighbourhood. After hanging out with them for awhile, they asked if we wanted to go back to his place, so we said sure, why not? What harm could it do.

Seriously, will we ever fucking learn?

We go to "his place", which is just a room of his parents place. They live upstairs. And his whole family, basically, some shit like that. My goodness. Luckily he had a couch in his room. Ugh. We were just hanging out, having a pretty good time considering the circumstances, and this random guy (who has a pace maker, by the way; Huge accident about a year ago, almost died), just blurts out, "So I do cocaine every once in awhile! Who cares!" N and I look at each other and just go, "Uhm, yeah, sure?" He responds with, "Yeah, I'm doing it tonight! Not a big deal!" Turns out their dealer was going to be there in two minutes, and they didn't say anything. Someone leaves, and random pace-maker-guy is still going off about how it's okay every now and then when random-Adam guy comes back and throws it on the table in front of pace-maker-guy. I go, "Uhm, raise your hand if you're doing cocaine tonight?" All of the guys raise their hands. "Okay. Good. Now, raise your hand if you're leaving right the fuck now." N and I get up and walk away. We were telling them that it was horrible and shit, and they just said, oh, it's fine, whatever, we don't do it all the time, not that bad, etc.

When she turned her phone on the next day (it had died), she had a voicemail from them, claiming that they had never actually gotten the cocaine because the dealer had showed up.

They must have been already gonnerz. We saw the cocaine. Whatever. Guys are so dumb sometimes.

We ended up going to another party her friend was throwing. I had some random guy all over me trying to make out with me. His name was Frank. Who is named Frank that isn't 60+? Not saying that it isn't possible, it's just kind of an old fashioned name. No offense to anyone. :) That party isn't really worth mentioning. Nothing fun happened, except for the fact that N's friend was there who was totally ditching her party, and she thought that it was N's birthday on the Saturday so she wanted to be the first to say happy birthday at 12. I knew N's birthday was on Sunday, but just because her dumb ass friend wanted me to tell her when it was 12, I said Happy Birthday! to N at 12. Her friend looked so upset that I didn't tell her. Seriously?

On Saturday, B rented a hotel for N for her birthday, then we went to a pub close by. N's friend and I scared the shit out of N (she didn't know that we were hiding in the shower of the hotel room), the look of terror and screaming: I will remember forever. Then I went downstairs for a smoke, also to meet up with N's sister, because I was jumping out of a cake.

We went to the pub, and N's friend was being a total selfish bitch. Who cares that I was the fifth wheel, her boyfriend's a drunk, and we all wanted to hang out with N? She kept stealing her away to the dance floor. And when she wasn't stealing her away to the dance floor, she was with her boyfriend, and N was with B, and I was standing awkward. Good thing I met an Irish Boy. When everyone went back to the hotel at 12 (wtf!), I stayed around with Irish Boy. Until 4. We talked, got to know each other, made out, went to McDonald's, etc. It was fun.

Also, I was a kleptomaniac at the bar! I stole Irish Boy's friends bandanna, Irish Boys Kanye West glasses, and the bartenders fedora hat. Awesome!

Made out with some random girl in the bathroom, randomly. There's pictures on facebook somewhere of it. I don't know who she is, but she said she was putting them on facebook. Her name is Danielle. I have her number.

L messaged me at 3 in the morning, telling me we should do something the next day. Turns out, he asks B about me all the time. Does he like me? Possibly. That would be kind of awesome. I would kind of like to see where that could go. Not gonna lie. There was a possibility of us hanging out today, but even if he can, I can't. I'm buying a bed off of craigslist, and I get it today! Whoopie!

What Makes A Man

I moved out of my house with J last night. Well, not so much moved, I just moved my clothes. And mostly just my work clothes. Not everything. Some out of work clothing. It wasn't that bad. I was quite happy to get out, in a sense. He's so convinced that we're going to get married that it's unreal. He didn't fully realize how amazing I am and how lucky he was until after we broke up. I told him the entire time, I wasn't fucking lying. Well, now he knows. But I'm already gone. Moved in with my boo. Well, again, my clothes. And I have keys. That makes it official in my eyes.
She lives in an apartment, though, so I have to pay to do my laundry. Wtf? I should have done it one last time before I moved (my clothes) out. Now I have a load that needs to be washed. I'm small, so a lot of my clothes can be done all together. Yay!

I have barely talked to L all week. He knows that I was planning on moving out this week. Am I not interesting to him anymore since I'm out? It's possible. But we had great sex on the weekend.
I was Facebook stalking him yesterday (yes, I stalk people on facebook, who doesn't? That's what it's there for, shut up), and I noticed that the people he was partying with on Friday become friends with him.... And I went to middle school with one of them. Oh my goodness. Good thing she doesn't know we're friends. Good thing WE weren't friends in middle school, so she probably doesn't even know me. Oh fuck, how weird that is. I really hope that he doesn't start dating anyone. I really hope that he's not fucking other people while we're fucking. That's just dirty.

I don't want to be in a relationship, but I don't want whoever I'm diddling to be diddling a bunch of other people. That's how diseases get spread, you know? I'm not used to this whole fucking random people thing. I'm only used to having sex with someone after being in a relationship for a few months. But after having long-term relationships one after the other, I'm used to sex all the time. L has been my "rebound" guy for 3 guys. After I break up with a guy, I just go back to L. I get sex, I get happy. I realized today that I need to have sex at least once a week or else I get cranky. And diddling myself just doesn't do it. I need the real deal.

Talking about it makes me want it more. Maybe I'll call up L.

I can't wait until my boo and I move out, and I have my own bedroom. My own bed. I can diddle people in my own home and kick them out. Oh fuck yeah.

It's N's birthday party this weekend. Her boyfriend, her sister and I are planning a big surprise: while we're pre-drinking at the hotel party, I'm jumping out of the cake! Whoopie!

Absolutely Zero

The sex totally had to stop. I kept having sex with L. Oh, L. Actually, no, it shouldn't be "Oh, L", it should be, "Oh, N, why did you have to go and date B, which leads to me hanging out with L every time I hang out with you, which in lead turns to me spending the night with L and waking up naked in his bed".
That sounds a little bit better.

Once I started having sex with L a lot, I had to stop with the ex. It felt a little weird. At first I felt like a playa, which was totally fun, but then it just felt a bit wrong. Especially since I could tell that J was acting a little funny.

On August 31st, I went upstairs to my landlords and gave our notice. She was totally sad, because we get along really well. We can just talk for hours about everything, and then I realize that my dinner has probably gotten cold, and I can tell J is mad because he won't stop texting me, or she will realize that she still hasn't fed the dogs and they keep looking up at her with evil looks that just say, "Feed me or something will die".

On September 2nd, while I'm at L's house, J decides to text me saying the he can't live without me, he loves me and he's so lonely without me, and to please take him back. I told him we would discuss it the next day when I got home.

On September 3rd, when I got home, he started crying, saying everything he said the night before through text.

Now, I don't know how other people would deal with this situation, but when I was thrust into it, I did the only thing I could think of: cave. That's right. I pussied out, and we started dating again. I didn't think of my feelings for L, or of my love for being single, or of my excitement to be moving out with my friend and having new adventures with her. I just looked at the guy that I loved, and caved, because I wanted to make him happy.

On September 13th, we broke up. I held my ground this time, didn't let his tears get to me, and told him that I just couldn't get back into it. Around a month ago, I tried to get back to him, I opened up and reached out to him, and he turned me down, saying that he was done, and there was no chance of ever getting back together.

Which is where L really came in, because I was over it. He told me it was over forever, I treated it as much. Doesn't take me long to move on when you put it that simply. What's the point in crying and mourning over it when it's never going to happen? Move on. I'm just wasting time.

Anyways, N is trying to set me and L up now. Fuck that noise. I'm single. Sure, I want cuddles, sex, and the general good time that we have together. But relationship? I'm done for now. They just cause confusion and heartache, and I've had my fair share for now.

Plus, I need to get my shit together. I'm in no position to date.

Makes Me Wonder

Oh, my drama filled life. Will it never end?

I went on a date with Mr. Package on Friday. It was kind of weird. I saw a few couriers that frequent my office quite a bit. They looked at me a little bit funny, but maybe that's because my septum piercing was down. It could also have a little bit to do with the fact that they are probably thinking I'm more of a "suit". That's so weird that someone would refer to me as that. I'm just a receptionist. I got no schooling. I ain't no suit. Pffffft.
But the date was fun. I had the most fun when we went out for dinner, just him and I, no couriers. I had a good time. Then I went home. Nothing happened. He hugged me. It's weird being with a guy, and he doesn't try anything. Kind of refreshing.
The next night, I got drunk. Originally, by myself! I had nothing to do. The ex was gone for the weekend (he's still gone... Let's hope that he doesn't come back!) and the landlords are gone for 2 weeks. So, obviously in need of a booty call, I call L. Oh, dear, how dumb can I be. I bussed out to see him, and we had fun. Until he said the words that no one ever wants to hear: "The condom broke."
Ugh. How horrible. Then, he wanted to know if I was interested in a round 2. Seriously? After that just happened? Calm down, boy. I don't want any shit happening, I'm kind of paranoid!
But I was down for it the next morning. Ugh, the sex with him is usually always amazing. I would totally be down with being friends with benefits. But, it turns out he doesn't want to. Well, he sucks. How am I supposed to get laid? Totally don't want it from the ex anymore. Except, now that we're broken up, the sex is surprisingly better ... Kinda rough. I like it.
But L is messed up. I don't know how, he won't tell me. But B knows something. So hopefully he tells N. Then she'll tell me. I want to know.
I need to know. I don't want to be conceited or anything, but he mentioned that he's been "fucked up" for about a month. Oh, low and behold, he started talking to me again about a month ago.
B told N that he does care about me, he just doesn't want to. Well, we're in the same boat, bitch. Now, give me the sex, and forget about your feelings. That's what I did when we were fucking for about a year. I forgot about my feelings, and went for the sex. But now that you have feelings, it's completely different? No more nothing, barely want to talk to me?
And he said that I need to sort my shit out. Pffft.

White Horse

On Friday, I met a cousin for the first time. She was pretty cool. She was fun and really nice.

We ended up drinking at my place on Saturday. For the first time in a week, I was staying at my place with my ex. I miss him so much that it makes me angry.

I hate how everyone tells me that I'm "being so strong about all of this". It makes me so angry. I'm not taking this well at all. I'm avoiding my home because I don't want to see him, and when we're alone, it's just awkward. I got drunk on Saturday, so did he, and we ended up having a heart to heart. He knows that I miss him, and he misses me, too. I want to try and work things out, because I just want him in my life. Maybe I'll feel differently once we're not living together.

I'm reminded of a song by Feist, Let It Die, when she sings, "The hardest part/Of a broken heart/Isn't the ending/So much as the start". And it's so true. All I can do is just keep going back to the beginning. But it's not even the beginning. It's just stuff that happened a few days before we broke up.

I honestly think that N had a lot to do with my break up. She always seems to be. She's been bad mouthing him for a long time, trying to get me to move in with her .... And now I am. We are to be moving out with each other. I think she was just poisoning my mind. When I'm away from her, I just want him. Even when I am with her, I just want him. I think about him ALL the time. It's starting to drive me insane. And now I have to go home to him.

I have to start sleeping on the couch. He didn't tell me that I have to, I just think that it may be for the best. How can I even think that I can do this? I can't live with him. I just want to be with him every time I see him.

We went grocery shopping yesterday, and that was the most painful thing. We used to have so much fun grocery shopping. Sometimes he would push me in the shopping cart. Sometimes, I would be pushing the cart, and he would come up behind me, and push the cart with me, kissing my neck as we walked around. We were the gross couple that everyone hated to look at. Now, we are nothing.
We are nothing. Wow, that was more painful to write that I thought it would be.
Yes, we may be friends, but that's nothing serious. Who knows how long we will stay friends for. As soon as we're not living together, he'll probably never speak to me again.

Truth be told, I think that I'm staying there longer to maybe show to him that we could work again. I know, I broke up with him, wtf? But, he told me that he would never date the same girl twice. I want to be the girl that he'll be different for. Since we've broken up, he's opened up to me so much. On the other hand, he was drunk.
Why am I trying to convince the guy that I broke up with that we could work, and he's convincing me that we can't?
Last night while we were in bed going to sleep, his hand was next to mine. I think he wanted to grab it, but he wouldn't. I wish that he had.

I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale ...

Knock Em Out

Tonight is the first night that I've been completely alone since the breakup. I don't know how it feels. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I've been so strong around everyone else, minus a few little break downs in front of N. I do just want to be sad, but I don't really know how. All I can do is think... logically. Is it really logical for me to be sad? it was the right thing for me to do in the long run. It's not like there's any chance of us getting back together. So why be sad? I did it for a reason. I wasn't completely happy. Hence why the cheating happened.
Maybe I'm just lonely. I'm so used to just someone being here with me. Now I have no one. I have N, but I can't be around her all the time. I don't want to get sick of her, I love her. She's my best friend. I have other guy friends, but they are just awkward to be around. Two of my guy friends are just creepy. I admit that, yes, I have fucking creepy friends. But I can't get rid of them. Maybe because I find it funny. Maybe because I like the attention. I don't even know anymore. One of them I think I'm just stuck with for life. No matter how many times I get mad at him, we always end up talking again.
I still have feelings for L. I hate it. I was trying to get his attention on MSN, and someone started talking to me, and my stomach fluttered because I thought it was him. It wasn't. I hate how I have feelings for him. B blatantly told me that he didn't give two shits about me. But his friends and action tell me two completely different stories.
I was at his house the other night. I was just laying on the couch, and he stood up, told me to lift up my arm, so I did. He picked me up. I was like, "Uhhh.. What the fuck are you doing?" He said, "Nothing, I just wanted to pick you up." He does that all the time, I seriously don't get it. I think he likes that I'm so small, it makes him feel all strong and manly to pick me up, haha. Later he ended up picking me up and carrying me to his bed so we could have a "nap". He started kissing me. I knew he was going to. "I knew all you wanted to do was have sex with me." His response? "I was just wondering if you would even let me. Turns out I was right."
I should totally just never talk to him again. All he wants is in my fucking pants.
I just told him that he should come out and see me.
"lol no thanks. i'd much rather be doing this."

I really do pick the winners.

Let It Die

Went out partying last night. Doesn't seem that different than any other night, but oh it was.

N is still seeing B, and it was his birthday party last night. L was there. Hahahaha. The night before, N and I met this random Aussie guy, and we met up with him yesterday again for some more partying. We decided to bring him along to fuck with L's head. Turns out that we didn't even need to do that, however. His ex was there, and he's obviously still hung up on her. He didn't even talk to me the entire night, which kiind of sucked. The only time he really talked to me was after I got off the dance floor with his brother, and he said, "How was the dance?". Oh, did I mention that his brother was there? Another reason why I didn't need random Aussie guy. Turns out his brother is soo much nicer than he is, and as soon as we got there he bought me a drink. And we danced like all night. And, when someone is fondling me, I just kind of want to kiss them. Yes, fondling. I don't mean the normal dance kind, he was literally fondling my breasts. He's just like his brother in one way: we're dancing, and he was giving me a back massage. Hahahaha. No complaining here, I love massages. Then he would move his hand up my neck and just grab my hair and pull it back a bit. He was kissing me on the head. Man, those brothers are just womanizers!

Good thing he lives on the other side of the country. No worry about seeing him for a long time. Sweet.

But then the night took a turn for the worst. N left with B. I told her to. It was his birthday, they really like each other, and I knew that she wanted to go home with him. So, I told her to leave, not bothering to let her know that I had no way of getting home. Hahaha. Ended up talking to the ex, he came and picked me up. I have no idea how this happened, I really don't remember. I was so god damn drunk last night that I have no idea. I remember waiting for him to come and get me. L and B's friend, M just turned up, and waited with me. He's a great guy. I should really get his number and thank him for that. He's a nice guy. A bit of a starer, but a good guy. L's friends are all really nice. Except for him. G, his brother, told me that he's the worse of the two. "I just don't do relationships. It's my thing." Who says that? Hahahaha. Hooking up with people that aren't from here are just awesome. I wonder if L is mad at me for doing this. Oh well. He shouldn't be mad at me. He doesn't care about me. B told me. I'm glad he told me. L doesn't give two shits about me. I know this, but for some reason I just can't believe it. N tells me otherwise, maybe that's why. But if his best friend tells me, then I have to believe it.

His brother is fucking hot, though. Hotter than him. And a good kisser. Good thing he lives far away. I might be tempted for him to become my new fuck buddy. Speaking of which, I think I may need to find one. I'm going to get pretty horny without a boyfriend now. I need something to do. Someone will do. Hahahahahaa.

Last night with the ex was fucking awkward, however. We didn't talk the whole way home. Except for when I told him that he was going the wrong way. Then he got mad at me, and even more quiet. That doesn't even make sense, how can someone get more quiet?
I woke up drunk this morning. Maybe that's my problem. My whole day is fucked since I woke up drunk. At least I'm not hung over. Yay for Tylenol! I have a bit of a stomach ache, however, and I forgot my Pepto. I think I would die without that shit. So delicious. That's right, I love the taste of Pepto.

I'm Still Breathing

Went out drinking last night. Maaaybe not so good of an idea. Just sitting here. At work. Can't work. It doesn't matter whether I get drunk or not, if I have more than 3 beers, I feel like ass the next day. And oh do I feel like ass. Also had a shot of Fireball. Oh man. 3 pints and a shot. All because I didn't want to go home last night. Haha.
I didn't even go home last night. We were at the pub until around 11:30. By 10 I figured I was going to be staying with my friend, since I didn't want to walk home from my bus stop alone. And it's not like I can just call him up and say, "Hey, can you pick me up from the skytrain? It's late and dark, and I'm drunk." That would not go over well.
I hate going home. I dread it. I can't look at him. I still love him. I wonder how long that will last. He's probably over it. My friends ask, "So it's done? For good? No going back?", and all I can say is, "Nope. He doesn't date the same girl twice. Even if I wanted to, even if he could change, we're done, over, for good. Finito." It sucks. I hate knowing that he'll never be mine again.
I know, I did this, and it's the right thing to do. But it hurts so damn much. I've been getting out more, and I'm having fun, but the mornings are the worst. And when I have nothing to do at work. I just think of him. I wonder what he's doing. I wonder how his job search is going. Is he thinking of me? Does he even miss me? When he goes to bed at night, does he wish that he could hold me and cuddle me? He said that his grieving process was over, 2 hours after we ended, and I was still balling like a baby.
Way to make me feel good about myself, asshole.

I feel like crap. I just want to go and curl up on the couch in the lunchroom and go to sleep. That would be so nice right now. Or have a coldish shower. That would also be nice. Mmmm, sleep. My coffee this morning tasted horrible. Tums isn't kicking in yet. Advil did nothing, too.
Naptime?

My Heart Will Go On

So we broke up last night.

I know, I know, I've been talking about this for days. I've been talking about it for weeks, actually. I just hate that it's actually over. I've put up the white flag, admitted defeat, and cried like a little baby. I still want to cry like a little baby.

I just love that boy. I thought that he might have been the one. I thought that I could spend my life with him. I still want to forget about everything and just go back to him. Not that he would take me back, because one of his rules of life is, "Never date a girl twice". Which, I guess, is kind of smart. But, what if it's true love?

I can't go back to him. I need communication in a relationship. I want to know that the person I'm with wants to, one day, eventually, get married. I'm not saying now, but one day. He hates the thought of marriage, the idea of marriage. "Why would I want to spend all that money, just to sign a piece of paper that states that if we ever break up, you get half my shit?" That's how he sees it. Good for him. I just want that special day of us showing everyone we know and love that we are completely devoted to each other. I know that you don't need the marriage for that, but I still want it, I don't care.

He said to me that he would try and get his feelings out. But he's been trying for 24 years, and he hasn't been able to so far. If he's going to change himself, I want him to do it for himself, not because he's losing me. I would feel horrible. He needs to change because he wants to, not because I want him to. "I want to make sure you have good dinners." Always so worried about my eating. I cried so hard when he said that. For the first time in our relationship, I saw a glimpse of his emotions, and it broke my heart. I wish that I could be happy with him forever, knowing the way that he is. But I don't think I ever could be. Even if I could get past the whole marriage and kids thing, I don't think he could ever open up to me the way that I want him to. He couldn't ever listen to me the way that I need to be listened to.

He's the cutest boy ever. Always sending me little "<3!" texts, the way he pouts at me, the way that he kisses my pouts until they go away. He's insensitive, yes, but at times he wasn't.

I know that this is for the best, and, as everyone keeps saying (even him), "You'll get over this. You'll be okay."

I seriously hate it when people say that. Yes, I know that I will continue living even without him there beside me to kiss, hug, and cuddle me. Yes, I know that eventually these feelings will go away, and I'll be happy again. Maybe I'll even find someone new one day. But until then? I'm going to be fucking hurt. I'm going to be sad because I can't be with the man I love. The man that I love is incompatible with me. Does everyone expect me to be hunky-fucking-dory about all of this?

Break up sex is good. Until afterwards, when you realize that it was the last time.

Moving out is going to be so difficult.

I wish he didn't lose his job last week. That makes me feel even worse. I wish I could have just held it in a little longer. I wish that I could have talked about this before. But, then that would have led to an earlier breakup. Maybe that would have been better? Now I'm too attached?

I hate relationships and feelings. Maybe I should just go and fuck around with some guys. Maybe some girls.

I can't wait to move out and get into a drunken stupor so I can forget all about this.

Heart of Steel

For the past two weekends in a row, I've just fucking partied. I went out to bars, clubs, house parties, danced and drank. I even took shots. I had the time of my life!
Even this last weekend, when my boyfriend got home early from a work trip, and I was out with my best friend (referred to as N), whom he hates, and my ex "buddy"(hereby referred to as L), whom he also hates. I think he was quite mad. For the past year, I've been a homebody. I haven't been going out with my friends, I just go home to my boyfriend. And only once he went away for two weeks did I truly realize this.
Let's just say, I am the luckiest girl, because my best friend is still right there beside me, ready to go out and party because I have finally come out of hibernation. It's just not a good thing that N is now "seeing" my L's friend, hereby referred to as B, so now she's with him a lot. So it's kind of like it's the four of us. I don't mind it. They are both great guys, and even though we have that past sexual history, it's not that awkward. Throughout the whole thing, he always said about how he just wanted to be friends, I was the one who got the feelings, haha. I'm such a woman. But after it ended, and I started dating my boy, we remained friends, as weird as people thought that it was.
Whenever me and my boy are on the rocks, L can somehow just sense it. He just knows. He gets me to talk about my feelings, I let it all out, then I usually feel a little bit better about my relationship. I'm never sure if I actually feel better about it, or if I just do it in spite of him. I want to show him about how I can be in relationship, and what a great girlfriend I am, etc. Well, I kind of failed at that, seeing as how I cheated on my boy with him. The horrible thing about it all? I don't even feel that bad about it. I know, I totally should. I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for a little while. I should totally feel bad. My friend is telling me that if we do break up, I should move in with her. We'll live at her mom's, then we'll move.
Now, I'm thinking that it's probably best if maybe I do break up with my boyfriend. I feel so distant from him lately, and it's totally all me. He just wants to cuddle me, and help me feel better (I've been really sick lately), and just ... be there for me. But I'm just so ... "get away from me, I want to be alone. No I don't want to cuddle. No I don't want kisses." I feel horrible.
I have a big bookcase. Another one of my stupid worries. Why am I worrying about getting my books out of the house if I move more than the actual leaving of my house? I think I may just be thinking about everything but the feelings part of this. I hate thinking about feelings. Ugh, how I long to be single, and just be able to do whatever I want, no feelings involved at all, no feelings to consider. Just go out and be the single, fun loving girl.
My friend told me that I was uptight and angry. Ugh, the boy that I love makes me uptight and angry. I used to be so much fun. I seriously don't know what to do!

And now that I've cheated with him, L probably has lost all respect for me (if he even had any to begin with), and I've lost all hope of being buddies with him again when I do become single again.

Btw, I say "when" because I think I know that this relationship can't be something I'm in forever. I just don't know if I can see it that way. Plus, can I really go my whole life with this guy and not tell him that I cheated on him? With L? Because as soon as he knows, he's gone.

I think I need to end this for my ulcers sake.

I used to think he was so cute when he wanted kisses and cuddles. Now, I'm just kind of annoyed. It's more like, "Hurry up and kiss me so I can go to bed, and stop making those faces at me. K thanks."

I Won't Leave Home Without You

So there's this boy. And then there's this other boy. I have feelings for both. I'm in a relationship with one. I love him. I'm not in a relationship with the other. I like him. I've liked him for awhile. At one point, I thought that I loved him.
My boyfriend has been out of town for the past two weeks. We live together, it's fun. But now that he's been gone for so long, I've seen a glimpse of single life again. I went out, I danced, I drank, I had a great time. Oh, I also had some feelings stirred up again. Whoopiee.
I do love my boyfriend. I love him to pieces. But I sometimes wonder what if. The other one ... He's amazing. He gets me to talk about my problems, he seems to want to know. But is that part of his ploy? To seem like he's the guy that cares so much, but then won't be in a relationship?
My heart is torn. I long to be single, yet I want the closeness of a relationship. I want to go out and have fun, yet my boyfriend doesn't like my friends. I like staying at home with him, but sometimes, I just need to go out and have fun with my friends. The other guy ... I miss being held by him. The last time I was with him, we were laying on the bed on our backs, and he just randomly picked me up, and was cradling me in his arms, while he was still on his back. When I asked him what he was doing, he just plainly said, "I just wanted to hold you."
He makes me feel so special. I don't know why. The way he looks at me is a starter. My friend told me he looks at me with love. You can tell he doesn't want to be anywhere but with me when he looks at me. He looks at me with care.

I just want my boyfriend back so I can sort out my feelings. Most likely when he gets back, everything will be okay again.

But can I forget last weekend?

They Got A Lot of Coffee In Brazil

Today, I almost went crazy bitch on my boss. I think she knew it, too. I think she secretly enjoys pissing me off. I'm trying to kick that so-called "nasty habit" of smoking. I quite enjoy it, a lot. Gives me something to do, I meet new people all the time because of it. It's almost like drinking. Drinking *and* smoking can get you to meet a lot of people. But I digress..
I'm the youngest person at my work, which is a fucking chore in itself. Here I am, little 21 year old me, and everyone else is 45+. Some of them are okay, don't get me wrong. I joke around with quite a few of them, all the time. But sometimes it can be awkward. For instance, my 70ish year old boss makes a joke that I'm bitchy because I'm not smoking, and my boyfriend is gone so I haven't had sex. Just. Plain. Awkward. I didn't know what to say to that, so I just said nothing, just a little laugh. She walked away a few moments later. I wish I didn't have to work with females, sometimes. Or, if my boss didn't have to be older than my grandma. She looks like she's just going to fall over and die any day. She smokes about a pack a day, and for some weird reason, there is always alcohol in the fridge. She loves her coffee in the morning...
So the other weekend I went to a club with a few friends. Now, I'm not one for clubbing, usually, but the boyfriend is out of town. So I will frolic among the young people like most of my friends do these days! It was actually quite a blast. Most of my friends are quite the drinkers, which is probably why I don't see them very much. I live with my boyfriend, and he hates people. I don't know how I became the girl that sits at home with her boyfriend all the time. But I think that it needs to stop.
I had so much fucking fun dancing at that club. My friend and I were just dancing away, and we're both good looking girls, if I do say so myself. We had a group of guys around us, constantly trying to dance with us. They probably all thought that we were lesbians, since we would only dance with each other. Hehe. I did end up dancing with one guy. This guy that I used to be in love with. Because not only was he there, but he was the reason that my friend and I went. He invited us, I think he knew the ball and chain was out. My friend is all for me breaking up with my boyfriend, seeing as how she is single and hates my boyfriend. So, of course, she was all for the going out. Especially with him. We ended up staying the night at his house, seeing as how we missed the last skytrain home. Oops. That's what happens when you drink and get on the dance floor!
So, what was supposed to be a 'goodbye night' to the man I was in love with and still kind of have feelings for, may have turned into something more. Turns out my best friend and his best friend have the hots for each other. Looks like we might be seeing each other a lot more. Why am I excited about this?

Is it sad when the highlight of your day is when you're favourite courier (who flexes his muscles every time he steps out of the elevator for you) notices that you got your hair highlighted?

My boyfriend has been gone for almost two weeks. I've never lived on my own, all by myself. These two weeks are the closest I've ever gotten. And I already enjoy being single more than any girl I've ever met. I've enjoyed these past two weeks more than I ever thought I would. I miss being single. I miss partying. I miss my boyfriend, as well. I miss the sex, my goodness. But what do I miss more? I don't even know anymore.