Sparks Fly

Over and over, I say that I'm tired of the drama and that I'm going to back away from everyone. I'm starting to sound like a broken record. But then I go back and hang out with everyone. They ask, and I go and hang out with them, I just can't help myself. I just think, "Oh, it's going to be fine!" But it never is.

The drama within my group is ridiculous. People had feelings for one another, made out or slept with one another, and it's all becoming too much for everyone. The tension is intense, and once the alcohol is added to it, there are mini explosions everywhere.

I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible, but it is just so difficult. People are supposed to act nicely, just forget about it and be calm. But of course, that can't actually happen. When you have feelings, you want them to be out in the open. You want the person that hurt you to know what they did. And when they don't understand, or don't care, you feel the need to tell them constantly. At least, that's how I'm understanding it.

My main problem is currently a girl in the group. We made out a few times, we were interested in each other. She started fooling around with a guy in the group, which everyone knew was just going to end horribly wrong, but they still felt the need to go for it. Once it did end horribly, we kind of gravitated to each other. There is sexual tension there, we both want each other. However, I have a boyfriend now, and I have every intention of not cheating on him, even if he did say that he doesn't care if I make out with girls. I don't think it's right.

As soon as she got drunk, she kept saying how she wanted she wanted me. "You are just so cute, and I just want to grab you and do horrible things to you." I couldn't help but make jokes about it, it's how I deal with things. Here is some girl who wants me so bad, and I can't help but laugh about it. She had me, and she went for the guy instead. She had said to Hermy earlier in the day that she wanted my boyfriend to come out so that she wouldn't be tempted, and then she was a little mad when she found out that he was coming. She kept telling me to message him and tell him not to come anymore.

I couldn't be myself around her. Everything I did apparently made her want me more. Couldn't play with my tongue ring without her biting her lip when she looked at me, couldn't take my septum ring out either. I was on my guard the whole time, which was difficult because I was drinking. I even picked my nose in front of her in hopes of her getting turned off, but she just laughed and said I was still adorable.

Talking to Hermy about it was out of the question, too. The person who I talk to about everything, and I couldn't. He is also so sick and tired of the drama, and he was getting angry at the girl, because she was causing shit. She's a great girl, but there's so much tension right now surrounding her with everyone. I was about to talk to Hermy about it, because he could tell that I was getting angry, but then the girl came. We were in the bouncy castle, jumping around, having a good time, but then something happened, I don't know what it was, and I had to leave. So I got up, left the bouncy castle, and I went home. No one came after me, and I'm very grateful for that. I shed a few tears out of anger, got home and turned off my phone.

I can't keep doing this, but it's so hard to walk away from my friends for good. I am just so sick of it all.

Enchanted

I have found myself in quite the predicament. It's not horrible, it's actually great. I just don't know how to deal with the feelings. The emotions are so great, I don't know how to express them.

I have found myself in a relationship. It happened quite oddly, one minute he told me that he was scared of commitment, the next he was saying that we should give a shot. And that was it, we were in a relationship. I giggle a little bit when I call him my boyfriend. And last night he called me his girlfriend for the first time. It honestly felt amazing.

We see each other quite often, even though he lives a 40 minute drive away, and I don't drive. I think about him, and I can't help but smile. He left my house this morning for work, and I'm sitting here in his pajama pants that smell like him, and I can't wait until he comes over this afternoon.

It feels so odd to me, excited to see a guy. Technically, I've been single for two years, even though I don't quite consider that 3 month stint a relationship. And it feels odd to me that a guy wants to see me. Not because he's my friend and we're going to go out and get hammered and check out chicks, but because he wants to check me out. He wants to hold and kiss me.

Sometimes when I look at him, I wonder what he's doing with me. Him and his friends are crazy, they have so much fun. He's attractive, funny, nice and sweet, and he wants me.

I can't help but stay on the look out for something bad to happen.