Dear John

After trying to meet up for days, it finally happened on Sunday. Each of us, for some reason, had been actually putting in an effort to see the other, but our timing was always off... Which seems to be the story of us.

We decided that a day on my patio with some beers would be good, even though I don't get any sun due to trees. He asked 'What's so special about your patio then?' Absolutely nothing. It's just mine.

For four hours we sat there, just drinking beers and talking. There was a lot of reminiscing, me telling him about times when he was a douche and I wanted to punch him. But I tried to make it up with nice stories, he looked like he was getting a bit hurt by the douche stories. 'Surely', I said, 'there must have been a time when you didn't like me, maybe hated me a little bit?' He looked at me in thought, head tilted to the side, until finally his head did a little shake and a 'Noo..' popped out of his mouth.

Well I tried.

Quite opposite of hating me, he actually really liked me at one point, and wanted to take it a step further, he finally decided to tell me. But when he messaged me, I freaked out on him. I completely remember that day. I was so angry at him, always popping in and out of my life whenever he felt like it. I thought that he was just coming to me looking for sex. How was I supposed to know that he actually did care about me enough to consider a relationship?

After beers and talking, we realized we were cold and hungry, so we ordered pizza and moved inside. I put on Casablanca, because he had never seen it, and I had a craving for an old movie.

We ended up cuddling. He asked if I wanted to, and obviously I'm not going to say no. We watched it and didn't fall asleep, surprisingly. Almost as soon as it was over, I turned to face him to see how he liked the movie, and just burrowed into him, to get as much as I could out of this. Who knows if we'll cuddle again? I wanted to soak it up.

I walked him to the door, and when he went to give me a hug, he ended up picking me up, so I, in turn, wrapped my legs around him. Even after I unwrapped my legs, he still held on to me. Eventually he put me down, and went in for a kiss, but I turned my head and accepted it on my cheek. Then he took my hands, went in again, and kissed me softly on the lips.

'There, did you like that?' he said in a half joking voice.

And I did. I really, truly did.

Hot N Cold

For a reason currently unknown to me, I'm having difficulty leaving my house for reasons other than necessity. Like work. I have to go to that. I will come up with any excuse I can to just stay at home and do.... nothing. I just want to sit at home and do nothing. I would say read, but I haven't been doing much of that these days. I think after last year and reading so many books, I just wanted to go on a break. But it's past the middle of May, and I've read only a handful of books.

I keep trying to go to the computer, or the good old fashioned notepad, and trying to write something out, but nothing comes out there either. I just seem to have nothing to put out there, in any form. Even with my friends, the communications have been dwindling. Pilot and I have barely talked in months, but I have no idea what that is about. I have tried on numerous occasions, even initiating conversation the day after my birthday, which he didn't acknowledge. I've given up.

It almost seems as if slowly I'm giving up on life. That's not something new, I seem to go through one of these things every once in a while. Am I bi-polar? I guess it's fully possible, but I would be a tad bit surprised.

Life is so monotonous. I do a variation of the same thing every day. I have such a desire to leave, but I feel as if an anchor is holding me in place. Of course, there is the question of money and a job, which is a headache to think about, but I have thought about it. I've taken inventory of everything in my house, did research and got a rough estimate of what I could get for everything. I've looked up jobs in other cities, and since I work in the law/office field, it shouldn't be that hard, I see a lot of jobs. Of course I would have to take a pay decrease, but it would be worth it.

So I have put a lot of time and thought into it. But something is just stopping me. Is it fear of the unknown? Going out into the world by myself, no one to fall back and rely on? Is it the fear of my family, and what would they do without me? Of course, I don't do anything for them anyways (I refuse to give my brother money), but my ma and gma would surely miss me, as they have told me. They want me to stay. I would like to say that I'm staying for family ties, but I'm not actually that connected to my family. Of course, I love them dearly, they are amazing women, but I see them maybe once a month.

I also can't really see me staying just for my friends. Yeah, I got some good ones, I've ranted and raved about them tons of times here. But.... I don't have luck with keeping friends. After awhile, they just seem to leave me behind. Which is what I think is happening with Pilot. I have two good friends right now, but, again, who knows how long that will actually last.

I think it may just boil down to being a fear of the unknown. Going to a new city all by myself. Because, I wouldn't go anywhere in my province. I'm in the biggest city in my province, I doubt there would be good work other places, and I would have to go north. Which means colder weather. *shudder* More snow.

The only place I would go is the other side of the country. Which does have more snow. I do like snow, it's fun and makes the world a prettier place. When you're just looking out the window, you can almost forget about how horrible of a place it is. But that's the only place I would go.

Why can't I just suck it up and leave? Nothing is keeping me here. I really just want to leave, start over new. I desperately need to get away from places that hold such painful memories. I find it hard to make new memories here.

My goal is to be gone by next spring. Let's hope I can actually do it.

In Sacred Flames

In the past two weeks, a boy from high school has recently gotten back in contact with me. We were texting every day, he called me a few times. Sometimes I got really annoyed with him, like the way he seemed to get impatient when it took me too long to reply to him.

We had made plans to hang out yesterday, had them planned for about a week. So when the day came, I messaged him, asking when and where he wanted to meet up. Unfortunately, it seemed as if he had a lot of errands that he had to do, so he was going to message me when he was ready to go. This all went down at about 11:30.

By 1, I was bored and getting impatient, so I decided to start a Star Wars marathon. Then 3 rolled by, so I decided to order a pizza. By 5:30, he had finally messaged me, saying he was ready to go. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out anymore at this point. Then he showed up at my house. I was very upset that my Star Wars day was coming to an end, but I drank my sorrows away.

I ended up playing a drinking game, without him noticing. Whenever he said "retarded" or any form of it, I would chug my beer. Or when he showed me a picture, I would chug my beer. Double chug if it was of one of his cats.

For some reason, I decided to go with him to his friends party. I'm pretty sure it was because I was already kind of drunk. Even though he was a douche, he is attractive. It's been awhile. Whatever, don't judge.

So off we went on an adventure to downtown, had more drinks, then we were on our way to leave. He had said he checked the website and the last skytrain was leaving at 1:40. It left at 1:10.

Then he said he checked the website, and a bus was going to be coming in 15 minutes. We were no where near a bus stop.

I was getting very angry at this point, as I absolutely hate being downtown at that time. There are freaks down there! I asked a police officer for directions to catch the night bus, and we went on our merry way, I was dragging him, I was tired of him and sad that he was going to be coming to my house. He was probably going to try and sleep in my bed. And I knew that the bus ride was going to be at least an hour long.

But then... I met a boy on the train.

He overheard me mention how I had Steel Panther stuck in my head (absolute favourite song of the moment: Weenie Ride), and we talked every now and then about music. Tid bits here and there. Then he took my iPod, looked through, I gave him a headphone, he gave me his iPhone to search through his music, "Now don't be going through my phone at all. We wouldn't want you putting your number in there or anything." Of course, I did. He put his arm around me so I wouldn't fall, as we all were standing.

And where was my friend this whole time? I did not care. I was sad when I had to get off the bus, but he gave me a little kiss before I got off the bus. Will I hear from him? I don't know if I will. If not, that's okay. I'm used to it by this point.

When we got back to my house, he still tried to sleep in my bed. What an idiot.