When I was younger, I thought that I would want children. I think mostly because it was a natural feeling, grow up and start a family.
Then as I got older, I realized that I didn't really have the patience for children. I find them loud and a little annoying. They need constant attention and approval. I like quietness for my reading, and people not talking to me.
I've had my 4 year old niece for the weekend, and it's been going pretty well. She's currently eating her cereal and watching cartoons, which I'm happy with. Only once in a while she needs some attention. But that's just right now. She's still half asleep I'm pretty sure. When she's fully awake, she needs so much attention it's ridiculous. She says my name every 5 minutes. I'm tired of hearing 'aunty', and not being able to smoke in my apartment. I love her, she's like my own child, I've watched her grow, I remember the day she was born, she's my little pumpkin, but I can't wait for her to go home. I'm so tired just from how much energy she has. She's so small, how does she have so much energy!
I took her shopping yesterday, since my darling brother and sister-in-law sent her with one pair of socks, one pair of jeans(full of holes), one set of pajamas. No other shirt to wear for the next two days, just the one she came in.
So I bought her a new pair of jeans that she can grow into a little bit, two t-shirts, one long sleeve shirt, a sweater, and three pairs of socks. As soon as she gets home, they will most likely be ruined because that's what happens. Kids are messy, and my sister-in-law doesn't do anything if something gets stained. I wasn't even sure if she was going to be clean, so I bathed her as soon as she got here on Friday, as well.
She also has a blanket. She loves this blanket with her everything, and she can't sleep without it. I almost puked when I smelled it, it was so disgusting. I washed it as soon as I had a chance.
I love my brother, and I love his children. I just wish that he made more money so that he could care for them more. He does the best he can, and they are happy, so I guess that's all that matters. But they deserve more, in my opinion.
Maybe that's another reason why I don't want to have children. I am in no place to offer one what it needs. They need so much. I don't even have a significant other, and that may be a good start.
But I have a feeling that it's not going to change. I don't want children. That's okay. My brother has children, I can steal his. Or maybe I'll be like my aunt and uncle, who also didn't want children until three or four years ago, now they have a two year old boy and a baby girl that was born yesterday. They are almost forty.
Nothing to worry about now, though. I'm just going to try and have fun with my niece, maybe set her up with some paper and crayons so she'll leave me alone for a bit.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Hurt
Today was like any other day. Got up, got ready, went to work. But I wasn't as annoyed with my co-workers as I have been for the past while. I thought that I was perking up, that I was coming out of my 'bleh' phase and I was going to be back to my usual chipper self.
So as I was sitting at my desk, in between working, I decided to look up the costs for flights to Las Vegas, since Boo told me that we were going to be going with her brother and his friends in June a few weeks back. But when I told her about it, and as we were talking, it was no longer the 'we' that I thought it was. It was turning into an 'I' thing. She said that she was going to have a week in Las Vegas, and then a week with the wife, which is me. So I decided to say, "Maybe I'll take my other week off in April." She just responded with, "So how's your day, boo??". I guess this means that I will not be going to Las Vegas.
That was a big thing that I was looking forward to. I've been wanting to there since I turned 21.
So, that brought me right back to where I was before.
I was talking to Pilot about it, and he thinks that maybe I caught it from him. He's been feeling very 'bleh' lately and we spend a lot of time together, so maybe that's it. I just caught his 'bleh' feeling. As if it's a cold. Some type of virus. Beware of the Bleh Virus! Some say it's deadly! As in you'll kill yourself!
I'm not there, though. I just feel like socking my co-workers every now and then, and I wish my best friend liked to talk more.
Honesty, I never thought that I would be saying something like that. I wish my best friend wanted to talk about feelings more. I talk about my feelings with Pilot more than I do with Boo, who is my boo, my best friend, my wifey. Whenever I talk about things with her, I know that she doesn't care. She doesn't like to talk about people, she likes to talk about movies and music. I've gotten used to it, in a way. But I also feel like a friend of mine (let's call him Vidiot, because that's what he is) who just talks to me about stuff, and he knows that I'm not listening and that I don't care, but he just needs someone to talk to, to vent to. I have become that.
But when I talk about my feelings and junk with Pilot, or even Hermy (his nickname that has stuck, since the night that he was acting like a vagina and I called him out on it, and he said, "Just call me Hermy!" He wasn't too happy the next day), they actually listen and try to cheer me up.
I met this guy on my way back from Yellowknife, we sat beside each other on the plane, and he was really cute. We've been talking on Facebook, and even though he lives kind of far, I'm kind of interested in him. We were talking the other day, and I was feeling a little giddy because I rarely get a guys attention where he's complimenting me these days. Except of course for my guys, but they compliment me on my belches or when I point out a hot chick with a nice rack. As I'm telling Boo about how it made me happy to be getting this kind of attention, she just looked at me with a smirk and said, "Really? Over some guy giving you attention? It's not like that never happens."
But it doesn't. These days, the only attention I get is from L when he decides to message me once a month because he wants sex. Or Vidiot awkwardly calling me 'pretty lady', which I don't know how to respond to. Oh, and there's also Jesus. But we're not telling Boo about Jesus because, well, he's taken her on a few dates, and even though she has no interest in him, I know that she would be none too happy. It's happened before, some guy will talk to me and not her.
One time we were at the bar, and this guy started talking to me, but I tried to get him to talk to Boo all night. And he did, they had a great time, I barely said a word. But at the end of the night, he gave his number to me and not her. I felt bad. But there was nothing I could do, I tried.
All in all, I don't know where I'm going with this post. But I do think that it helped with something.
So as I was sitting at my desk, in between working, I decided to look up the costs for flights to Las Vegas, since Boo told me that we were going to be going with her brother and his friends in June a few weeks back. But when I told her about it, and as we were talking, it was no longer the 'we' that I thought it was. It was turning into an 'I' thing. She said that she was going to have a week in Las Vegas, and then a week with the wife, which is me. So I decided to say, "Maybe I'll take my other week off in April." She just responded with, "So how's your day, boo??". I guess this means that I will not be going to Las Vegas.
That was a big thing that I was looking forward to. I've been wanting to there since I turned 21.
So, that brought me right back to where I was before.
I was talking to Pilot about it, and he thinks that maybe I caught it from him. He's been feeling very 'bleh' lately and we spend a lot of time together, so maybe that's it. I just caught his 'bleh' feeling. As if it's a cold. Some type of virus. Beware of the Bleh Virus! Some say it's deadly! As in you'll kill yourself!
I'm not there, though. I just feel like socking my co-workers every now and then, and I wish my best friend liked to talk more.
Honesty, I never thought that I would be saying something like that. I wish my best friend wanted to talk about feelings more. I talk about my feelings with Pilot more than I do with Boo, who is my boo, my best friend, my wifey. Whenever I talk about things with her, I know that she doesn't care. She doesn't like to talk about people, she likes to talk about movies and music. I've gotten used to it, in a way. But I also feel like a friend of mine (let's call him Vidiot, because that's what he is) who just talks to me about stuff, and he knows that I'm not listening and that I don't care, but he just needs someone to talk to, to vent to. I have become that.
But when I talk about my feelings and junk with Pilot, or even Hermy (his nickname that has stuck, since the night that he was acting like a vagina and I called him out on it, and he said, "Just call me Hermy!" He wasn't too happy the next day), they actually listen and try to cheer me up.
I met this guy on my way back from Yellowknife, we sat beside each other on the plane, and he was really cute. We've been talking on Facebook, and even though he lives kind of far, I'm kind of interested in him. We were talking the other day, and I was feeling a little giddy because I rarely get a guys attention where he's complimenting me these days. Except of course for my guys, but they compliment me on my belches or when I point out a hot chick with a nice rack. As I'm telling Boo about how it made me happy to be getting this kind of attention, she just looked at me with a smirk and said, "Really? Over some guy giving you attention? It's not like that never happens."
But it doesn't. These days, the only attention I get is from L when he decides to message me once a month because he wants sex. Or Vidiot awkwardly calling me 'pretty lady', which I don't know how to respond to. Oh, and there's also Jesus. But we're not telling Boo about Jesus because, well, he's taken her on a few dates, and even though she has no interest in him, I know that she would be none too happy. It's happened before, some guy will talk to me and not her.
One time we were at the bar, and this guy started talking to me, but I tried to get him to talk to Boo all night. And he did, they had a great time, I barely said a word. But at the end of the night, he gave his number to me and not her. I felt bad. But there was nothing I could do, I tried.
All in all, I don't know where I'm going with this post. But I do think that it helped with something.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Simon Says
6:38am - Alarm goes off. This week: S&M by Rihanna. Snooze button.
6:43am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.
6:48am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.
6:53am - Alarm goes off again. Dismiss. I get up, find clothes. Go to the kitchen, clean the coffee filter from previous use, get coffee ready. Don't hit start. After hair is dried.
Put iPod in dock, put on a song that is roughly 8 minutes long. Feature of the week: Wheel of Time by Blind Guardian. Goal: Be out of shower by the end of the song. Usually succeed.
Get out of the shower, dry body. Wet bangs again, hair is fine so it dries quickly. Style bangs, blow dry hair. Start coffee. Moisturize face, put on mascara. No need for other makeup, hate the stuff.
Put clothes on. Grab coffee, throw in cream and sugar. Turn computer on, open window, turn on light, light a cigarette. Sit on Facebook and smoke for 15 minutes. Prepare yourself for the boring day to come.
7:49am - Rinse out coffee cup. Brush teeth.
7:54am - Leave for work. Go to bus stop, see boo. Talk about unimportant stuff, possible serenade her if the mood and song is right.
Roughly 8:38am - Get to work. Talk to co-worker about meaningless stuff that has happened since last seen her. Look for timesheets to post.
Wander around office, sit at desk, wait for smoke breaks, hope that no one sees you and gives you work. Wait for 5:00pm so that you can go home.
To do what? Sit there. Read, maybe watch TV or a movie, sit on Facebook for the entire night.
This is the adult life. Too poor to go out. Not enough energy to do it even if there was money.
Such boring routine to life. Once in a while something interesting will happen.
I'm still in the spot where I don't feel like I'm living. I'm just here.
But I have high hopes for 2011. This will be a better year. I will get my raise that I was promised six months ago. I'll get control of my finances.
This will be a better year. This will be a better year. This will be a better year.
Maybe if I say it enough times, it will come true.
6:43am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.
6:48am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.
6:53am - Alarm goes off again. Dismiss. I get up, find clothes. Go to the kitchen, clean the coffee filter from previous use, get coffee ready. Don't hit start. After hair is dried.
Put iPod in dock, put on a song that is roughly 8 minutes long. Feature of the week: Wheel of Time by Blind Guardian. Goal: Be out of shower by the end of the song. Usually succeed.
Get out of the shower, dry body. Wet bangs again, hair is fine so it dries quickly. Style bangs, blow dry hair. Start coffee. Moisturize face, put on mascara. No need for other makeup, hate the stuff.
Put clothes on. Grab coffee, throw in cream and sugar. Turn computer on, open window, turn on light, light a cigarette. Sit on Facebook and smoke for 15 minutes. Prepare yourself for the boring day to come.
7:49am - Rinse out coffee cup. Brush teeth.
7:54am - Leave for work. Go to bus stop, see boo. Talk about unimportant stuff, possible serenade her if the mood and song is right.
Roughly 8:38am - Get to work. Talk to co-worker about meaningless stuff that has happened since last seen her. Look for timesheets to post.
Wander around office, sit at desk, wait for smoke breaks, hope that no one sees you and gives you work. Wait for 5:00pm so that you can go home.
To do what? Sit there. Read, maybe watch TV or a movie, sit on Facebook for the entire night.
This is the adult life. Too poor to go out. Not enough energy to do it even if there was money.
Such boring routine to life. Once in a while something interesting will happen.
I'm still in the spot where I don't feel like I'm living. I'm just here.
But I have high hopes for 2011. This will be a better year. I will get my raise that I was promised six months ago. I'll get control of my finances.
This will be a better year. This will be a better year. This will be a better year.
Maybe if I say it enough times, it will come true.
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