My Heart is Yours

I think about the past too much. I'm constantly thinking about all the stuff I've done, the people I've hurt and left behind, the ones I wish that I could get back.

Some of the people I've lost has been for the best. With some, we just grew up. Others hurt me so much to let go, I didn't think I'd ever get over it.

I dropped a friend recently. I think about her sometimes, but not nearly as much as I thought I would. I thought it would be so hard to not have her in my life. I was addicted to her, even though she treated me horribly. But it wasn't. I had just finally opened my eyes and realized that I deserve so much better than this.

And I do. I have great friends that remind me that every day. I have friends that treat me with respect and don't ditch me last minute. They go out of their way to see me, to make sure I'm happy. I have the bestest friend anyone could ask for, we complete each other, me and her. We see each other day and feel like something is missing if we don't. Hell, we live two blocks away from each other, work three blocks away from each other.

My boys are amazing. We talk every day, and they don't expect anything but friendship. It's so nice and refreshing.

But every once in a while, I'll think of one person that I lost. I lost him years ago, we clung to each other for awhile, but eventually he moved on, left me behind in his past.

When I think of him, a tear will escape, roll down my cheek before I can catch it. A song will come on, I'll think of our past, of what we had and shared.

I can't help but wonder if he ever thinks of me.

We made such stupid promises.

Not Like The Movies

I often fantasize about love. I wonder what it would feel like. Would it feel like it looks in the movies, in books? When you find the one, do you just know? Does something in your body just all of a sudden click, come together, as if you truly did find your other half, your soul mate?

Or is it all about just finding someone that you can be happy with? Someone who you can stand for an extended amount of time without wanting to kill them?

Sometimes I think that's what it's really about. There are so many people in this world, how can there be just one person for you?

A friend of mine was just recently married. They had only been dating for ten months before they got married, they broke up (for very good reasons) after 3 months together. But they got back together, got engaged and shortly after were married. We were talking about love the other day, and she mentioned that a few people that she knows are getting married. When she asks them about it, they all mention that it's the "next step", as if since they have been together for awhile, they might as well get married. They don't talk about love, and that they just know that the person they are with is the one.

But with her husband, she said that she just knew, just knew that he was the one for her, the only one. Even though he messed up big time, she forgave him and took him back, because she knows that he's the one.

How many people out there get married just because it's the next step? How many people get married just because they got pregnant? How many people out there are in unhappy relationships but just continue to stay in them?

What if every person does have a certain person out there for them? What if there is that one person out there for you? What if you miss the love of your life because you're too scared to take a chance?

What if, what if, what if....

Those two words together are just trouble waiting to happen. They can make a person go mad, just wondering all the possibilities.

If there is just one person out there for you, how do you know when you find it? How exactly do you know it's true love? Often in movies, a person will be in some type of relationship when they meet someone that they just absolutely cannot live without, that person that if they weren't with them, their entire life would be filled with misery and the horrible thought of "what if". They end their relationship and go running into the arms of that person who is their other half.

But have you ever seen that happen in real life?

How do you know that it's not just lust? Just boredom of being in a monogamous relationship for years with a man that is perfectly suitable for you?

When you really think about it, isn't lust a huge part of a relationship?

Looking up lust in the dictionary, one of the definitions is "intense sexual desire", another is "a passionate or overmastering desire". Looking up love, a definition says "sexual passion or desire".

Really, what is the difference? From those definitions, it doesn't seem as if there is any.

Are we out there looking for some type of unrealistic feeling when really we should just be looking for a lusty relationship, filled with deep passion? Maybe that is the key part of true love: lust.

Was the idea of true love, soul mates, and destiny just put out there so lonely women would believe that there was a reason to go on? Just one more reason for women to get married and have children and keep the world populated? Or maybe it was a lie created by some womanizer to get a woman into bed.

Or maybe, just maybe... There is one man out there who will finish my sentences and make me feel like more of a complete person?

I can't even fathom that thought, however. Why are woman constantly on a search for a man to complete them? I see some women cry over the fact that they are single, that they are tired for searching for that one man to complete them.

Why can't we just feel complete on our own? We are complete human beings. Why do we always feel like we need to add another person into the mix?

Ah, another word that could drive a person mad: why.

No Fear for the Setting Sun

As I was growing up, I always just thought that prostitutes were dirty women. Dirty women who would do anything for their next drink or their next crack rock, that they chose this life for themselves. I never thought of it as women who were being forced to do something against their will. I’ve always been the child that thought the world was full of happy people and rainbows, that no one would actually hurt another human being.

Yet as I grow older, as I mature and start to slowly open my eyes, I see that the world is indeed not full of happy people and rainbows, and more often than not, someone will hurt you before they help you.

Now, don’t go thinking that I’m a pessimistic person, because I am not. I still believe that there are good people out there in the world, I just think that the bad people outnumber the good people by a heck of a lot.

Recently, I’ve been looking more and more into the issue of human trafficking, in Canada and the world. I wouldn’t call myself an expert by any means, but I would say that I am more informed than most of my friends. Frankly, I find it quite amazing that I haven’t really heard of this before, and I’m just stumbling across it now. Then again, I always thought the world of full of cute puppies and smiles, so I didn’t watch or read the news in fear of that bursting my bubble. Some days I wish I could go back to that feeling, that sense of innocence.

I used to like going to the strippers, talking about them and laughing at them, same with the prostitutes you see in the downtown east side, or, as some people refer to them, the “ladies of the night”. My first reaction now to strippers is, “I hope none of them were trafficked”.

Do some people even realize what it means to be trafficked? My friend and I were talking about prostitutes, and I said to him, “I hope they weren’t trafficked”, he replied, “I’m pretty sure they were”. And that’s it. No outcry for their human rights being diminished, for being treated like a DVD or game you rent out time and time again. Just a shrug, and on goes your life, because if it’s not happening to you or someone you know, what do you really know about it?

It’s also so hard to know whether someone is prostituting for themselves or because they are being forced to. How does one tell? A john probably doesn’t want to look the girl/woman in the eyes because they may feel guilty already, they may know what they are doing is wrong, but they need a release, they need a woman’s touch. Or maybe they get off on it, on the fear and helplessness of the person who they have bought for the hour to do whatever they wish to do. Some victims may even seem as if they are willing, after years of being beaten, of being told that this is their role in life and all they can do, that if they run away and go back to society they will be turned away, labeled as a whore.

Some people think that prostitution should be legal, so there can be regulations, people will be forced to do it safely. But if it’s legal, won’t it just be that much easier to traffick more people? How many more girls will be tricked into doing these scarring acts?

Grapevine Fires

While I sit at my window and watch the rain come pouring down, I want to cry with the clouds. Cry over what, I don't exactly know.

I sit in my apartment day after day, avoiding human contact, in a way. Guys talk to me and want to take me out on dates, and I agree to them. But when the day comes I do and say whatever I can to get out of it. I find the smallest thing wrong with them and, in a way, blow it out of proportion. They want to cuddle me, kiss me, and I back away. They want to be affectionate and it turns me off.

About a month ago I was seeing someone and we had a date plan, but I had to cancel a few days in advance when I found out that it was my friends birthday. He seemed a bit upset, making me feel guilty, so I asked him if he wanted to come with me, which made him happy. Another friend of mine came with me, and I didn't want to make her feel like the third wheel. So when this guy was trying to kiss me, I pulled away. Of course, that bruised his ego, making him pull away from me. Once this happened I was completely bored of him. I did everything I could to avoid him, to run away from him. He kept finding me, buying me shots and drinks. I remembered that he had left his car at my house, parking it there and then coming downtown to meet up with us at the bar. I hoped that he would just go back to my house and drive home, but I had no such luck. He found us at the end of the night, drunk out of his mind. My friend that came with me also lives two blocks away from me, so we all went home together. She told me she was worried for my safety the next day. I'm small girl, standing at 5'0 and weighing little over 100lbs. He was 5'9 and worked out five days a week.

When we got back to my house, he wanted to make out, and I was fine with that. I had already told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him, I'm not like that. I don't have sex with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. Well, most of the time. One person is an exception, which I really do need to stop because it's only hurting my soul and not who I am.

But then he got on top of me. In between my legs. Held both of my arms down with one hand. It went on for awhile, my pleas of 'no' went unheard, and I almost didn't stop him. I finally somehow got my legs together in front of him and gave him a look, with tears in my eyes, then he finally heard me. I haven't been that scared in a long time. I've had a few close encounters before and I hope that I never have one again.

How do you trust someone? I met this guy through a friend and I thought he was safe. I had no idea what he was like, and my friend told me a few weeks later that he was into freaky stuff so he probably thought that I liked it, too. I told my friend that I was scared shitless and because of that experience I don't want to feel another man touch me, and she defends him.

Is that what I want to cry about? The close encounter? The friend that ignores my feelings and defends her friend?

Partly.

These days, I just don't feel like I'm living. Instead, I'm just here. I go to work and come home. I hear people I know talk about going out and partying, having a good time. Even just hanging out with their significant other at home. I'm jealous. I don't understand how girls can go out and party. During the summer I went out to a club and got drugged. How can you trust that no one with drug and/or take advantage of you? How do girls find someone that they can trust enough to become monogamous with?

I have been raped, taken advantage of, lied to, everything. Trust is a huge issue for me. I just fear that I'm never going to be able to get rid of it. I can't talk to friends, they either don't listen or don't want to listen. Talking is a huge issue for me.

I don't think I will get over it. Instead, I'll just sit here in my apartment where I live alone and stare out the window, crying with the clouds.

Bat Out of Hell

People are supposed to evolve. Learn from their mistakes. I don't seem to. I never do.

I always fall for idiotic men.

And the one that has been stuck in my life for just over three years needs to leave. I need to learn from that big mistake. I need to move on somehow. I may have just found the reason, the motivation.

I haven't seen L in over a month. We've barely talked since he started seeing some girl. Which proves that no, we are not friends. We are just fuck buddies. We can't even talk to each other when we're dating someone else. That isn't a friendship.

But we were talking yesterday, and he said that maybe he'll pop by before his hockey game, after dinner. After having a horrible day, no, month at work, I decided, what the fuck. I need a little attention. Getting later, he sends me a text saying that he will not be stopping by before, but maybe he will after his hockey game. I say sure, send me a text, maybe I'll be awake.

I knew that I would be awake. Usually, it would have been long past my bedtime, but I wanted to see him. I wanted to kiss him and cuddle him and get from him that I can't get from anyone else since I'm single and have a fear of commitment so I want to stay that way. So I stayed up and watched Entourage. He messaged me just as I was finished. I didn't think he was going to come over, so I went on to bed, still messaging him.

Then he told me he was downstairs. Now, when I'm at home, especially in the summer, I like to try and stick to my "no pants" rule. I'm pretty good at it. But he never parks at the front, where my buzzer is, so I always have to walk down to the back and let him in. I don't even know if he's allowed to park there, but oh well. I've never had a complaint. So, on went the damn pants.

So he comes in, we lay on the couch, opposite of each other, for awhile until he decides that he wants to have a shower. He comes back, we chat for a bit longer until I ask him if he's going to be spending the night or not, seeing as how it's almost midnight and we are both yawning every ten minutes. He was sitting in the middle of the couch, just staring down at me while I lay there, and I was getting uncomfortable with the way that he just looks at me, so I pulled him down to cuddle with me. We lay there for a while, and he made a comment about how it was taking him so long to respond, when usually one of us just jumps the other. He finally made the decision to stay, so we went on to my bedroom. We lay there cuddling, and he realized, for the first time in three years, that I sleep on my stomach. He thought that he was the only one, and he never realized. We lay there facing each other for awhile, not touching, until he pulled me close and spun me around to snuggle. It was hot and I wasn't comfortable, so I was squirming my way around. I ended up in the position of facing him and snuggling. He started rubbing my back, a little bit of massaging, for a while. He was running his fingers up my arm, past my shoulder, down my side along my curves, past my ass and along my thighs, then go back where he came from. He was running his fingers up my back, slowly, then when he went to go run his fingers through my hair, I was done for.

I tilted my head up, and it was over. We were kissing, touching, everything I said that I wouldn't do with him again, but I have no restraint. I can't hold myself back from him, he's my poison. After it was all over, which didn't take long, we were just laying there cuddling. He mentioned how he hasn't had sex with anyone since me, but I don't know if I believe that or not. It was very nice.

Then.

He muttered, "oh crap!", and I asked what was wrong. Turns out that he was supposed to check on something before he went to hockey, but he completely forgot about it. He needed to get to it, or else at 6 he would be getting a lot of calls. He said that he had to go home. I said to him, "If you leave now, I'm going to be so pissed. I'll feel so used." He replied, "Yeah, I haven't seen you in awhile. I guess it does look kind of bad if I leave. But it's not like that. I wanted to see you, I just forgot about this. We didn't plan this through."

He ended up leaving. Yes, I know that we are all about sex. But this? This is just so greasy. I can't believe he did that. Came to my house, took one of my smokes, used my shower, used my vagina, then he was on his way home. I'm humiliated and embarrassed. I never thought that he would do that to me. I mean, I figured that he didn't care, but I honestly didn't think it was that much.

And I really can't believe that I just keep falling for his crap over and over again, and I know that I'll probably do it again.

"Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out, well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each others arms, pretending that it's right,
And I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight."

Community Property

Trusting other people has always been a problem for me. I'm bad at 'reading' people, I don't get that sense if a person is good or bad. My friends always laugh at me because I never realize that a guy likes me and is asking me out. I always just assume that they just want to hang out. Even when they tell me that it's clearly a date, I say that we're just hanging out.

Trusting myself has always been a problem, as well. I never really know what my true feelings are, I don't know what I really want.

I think that I want L. I still think about him. But I'm never sure if I want him or the sex, or if I just want him because he's so unattainable. I can't have him, therefore I want him.

I've been hanging out with my ex a lot lately. We're friends, or so I thought. He wants me back, and he wants me back bad. He sent me flowers at work since I was having a bad week, and they totally brightened up my week. He said that he doesn't want to rush me into anything, and he doesn't expect to get back together with me right now. He's willing to wait, however long that may take. Which straight up baffles me, because he's willing to wait years. I have no idea if I want to get back together with him.

Sometimes when we're together, or when we're talking, I want to be with him. I want to just hug him, I want him to hold me, I want to lift my head and kiss him. Just to see what it would feel like, to see if that spark is still there.

But then again... I'll start thinking of L. I think of how easy it is for me to cuddle with him, to just lay there with him. I don't feel awkward at all, as I sometimes do with my ex. I think of his muscular arms holds me, while I run my fingers through his thick curly hair.

So all I can think of right now is ... Do I want to be with my ex because I still love him, or do I want to be with him because he's offering me everything, a life together?

I want to be back in a relationship with my ex at times. At others... I just have a feeling that he will not completely satisfy me. He doesn't complete me. But he's safe. I know that he loves me with his entire heart and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But there is still that voice in the back of my head that wants more love than that. A more complete love. I don't love him as much as he loves me. I know that I could, because I did at one point.

But is he what I want?

When A Man Loves A Woman

About a month ago, we were talking about how I was going out with N, and he told me that I should find a nice boy, because he didn’t want to have to beat up some Surreyrite. Which was weird just right there, because why would he beat someone up? He never beat up any of my ex-boyfriends. Not when one told me that I shouldn’t weigh more than 110lbs, so I should lose some weight. Not when one constantly lied to me and broke my heart. Not when one got me pregnant, and then said that he wasn’t surprised.

I went on to tell him that I wasn’t looking for a guy, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just wanted someone to take me out on dates. He asked if I had some date planned that I didn’t tell him about, and I said no, got no dates lined up right now, no offers. He said that he would take me out on dates if I wanted, and I said, yay, pity date! He said that it wasn’t pity, that he was just trying to be nice and sweet, and that I obviously ruined it. Then a few weeks ago, I went to meet up with him, at our usual spot where he picks me up, so we could go to his house. We ended up just going right to sleep. It was 8pm. When we woke up the next morning, he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner, since we just went to sleep. It was 6:30am, I was tired, and again, it was awkward, so I changed the subject.

After three years of being “friends … who casually have sex”, when he talks like that, I get confused. Then I start backing away. I don’t know if I actually want to date him. People ask me that all the time. “If he asked you to be his girlfriend, would you?” I can never answer that. It would be something that I would have to seriously consider. I’m not in a position to date right now. I’m messed up emotionally, I’m kind of depressed, I need to get my life in order. My family life is weird right now. My whole life is weird right now. Adding a boyfriend into that mix would be bad. I need to find who I am as a person, and be happy with myself before a relationship. A boyfriend can’t be the thing that makes me happy, I need to make myself happy. It’s unfair to put that type of pressure on someone else. They can’t be the only source of my happiness.

Last night I was at a house party with my best friend. It was my first time meeting her “man-friend” as she likes to call him. We had a really great time. Until N told me that I should message L and see what he was up to, maybe I could go there, have a place to crash, and have sex and cuddles since I’ve been kind of cranky without it lately. He has kind of been avoiding me a little bit, and I didn’t know why. We talk, but he never wants to hang out.

He ended up telling me that he couldn’t come get me, and I couldn’t go spend the night for a few reasons. I asked if he had another girl, and he said that he was seeing someone.

My heart broke. I cried. I cried in front of people. I feel like such an idiot right now. I cried in front of people I didn’t know. And then my friend was saying to her friends, “My friend is sad. Go give her a hug.” So then I was getting these pity looks and pity hugs. When I’m upset, I don’t like to be touched. Okay, I don’t really like to be touched a lot of the time, especially if I don’t know you. She should know this, but she was fucking hammered. We were all pretty drunk. Once I read his message though, I wasn’t all that drunk. I kind of sobered up. I did deal with him in a mature matter, and I hope he doesn’t know that I’m upset.

I’m sad to say, the first thoughts that went through my head was, “What’s wrong with me? What does she have that I don’t?” I began questioning my own self worth. Because of what? A guy? I don’t want to be one of those girls. I especially don’t want to be like this over a guy that I’m not even dating. We are not dating. He did tell me that he’s seeing someone, and I’m glad that he did. I just thought that we were doing so much better this time around. I always hope that he will want me, even though I’m not sure if I even want him. Do I even want to be with him? Or do I just want the sex, cuddles, every part of the relationship except for the commitment? Do I just want him because he is so unattainable? I always try to answer these questions, but I never can. I always say that I’m going to remove myself from the situation, but I never can. I don’t know what I want out of this life, out of this month. What do I want the end result to be? Obviously, I want to be happy.

I told my friend that I am finally done with him. I’m not going keep getting back into a dead-end situation, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I think I’m a good catch. I’m smart, pretty, good sense of humour… And yet… I can’t find someone that I am fully happy with. I can’t find someone that I won’t cheat on, someone that fills me, in a way. Completes me? I read way too many romantic girly books, and watch way too many of the same type of movies. I want something that may not even be real. I’m so confused with life right now. And I’m so hurt by the fact that he’s gone. I need to end this vicious cycle that is going on with him. I just hope that I’m finally going to have the strength to do it. Wish me luck.

Come What May

How do you know when it's time to back off? When it's time to admit defeat, wave the white flag, know that you did your best? How do you walk away from someone that you have feelings for, and have for three years? Everyone questions why I'm there, my friends and his. Everyone says that he likes me, but he doesn't do anything about it.

When I'm laying next to him, I'm happy. I like the cuddles. I like his company. We're comfortable in the fact that he can sit on the couch playing his video games, and I can have my legs over him and just read my book. I love when you don't even have to talk to someone, you can just be. Of course, he'll look over at me and give me a weird look when I start giggling.

I spent the entire weekend with him. We had a lot of fun. On Sunday, him and a bunch of his friends were going downtown early in the morning to get a seat at a pub for the game. They invited me, and I agreed. Even though I'm totally paying for it, because my friend wanted me to watch it at her place, but then I went with the huge gongshow instead. I still stand by my decision.

So, it turns out that one of his friends really likes me. He's met me a few times before, and L told him to go for it. He encouraged him to try and date me. I don't know why he would do this. Ugh, guys are so dumb. This one is the leader, I swear.

And he's cute, too. He's so nice, funny. He held my hand, and I thought it was super adorable. And L says that he's fine with it. Whatevs, if you're fine with it, then I'm happy, I'll go for it. Then he tells me that he took me out to introduce me to more people, venture out, and that if it doesn't work with this guy and me, it would be awkward to invite me out again. I completely understand this, it makes perfect sense.

But why couldn't he say something along the lines of, "No, it would be awkward since we have history." That's all I'm asking for. I just want to think that maybe he cares about me a little bit. But ... it seems as if he doesn't.

How do you know when it's time to give up and move on? I've been doing this for too long. He just throws me away and reels me back in, and I just keep on letting him do it. Because I have feelings for him. I hate feelings.

But I can't walk away. I can't be the one to do it.