About a month ago, we were talking about how I was going out with N, and he told me that I should find a nice boy, because he didn’t want to have to beat up some Surreyrite. Which was weird just right there, because why would he beat someone up? He never beat up any of my ex-boyfriends. Not when one told me that I shouldn’t weigh more than 110lbs, so I should lose some weight. Not when one constantly lied to me and broke my heart. Not when one got me pregnant, and then said that he wasn’t surprised.
I went on to tell him that I wasn’t looking for a guy, I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just wanted someone to take me out on dates. He asked if I had some date planned that I didn’t tell him about, and I said no, got no dates lined up right now, no offers. He said that he would take me out on dates if I wanted, and I said, yay, pity date! He said that it wasn’t pity, that he was just trying to be nice and sweet, and that I obviously ruined it. Then a few weeks ago, I went to meet up with him, at our usual spot where he picks me up, so we could go to his house. We ended up just going right to sleep. It was 8pm. When we woke up the next morning, he asked me if I wanted to go for dinner, since we just went to sleep. It was 6:30am, I was tired, and again, it was awkward, so I changed the subject.
After three years of being “friends … who casually have sex”, when he talks like that, I get confused. Then I start backing away. I don’t know if I actually want to date him. People ask me that all the time. “If he asked you to be his girlfriend, would you?” I can never answer that. It would be something that I would have to seriously consider. I’m not in a position to date right now. I’m messed up emotionally, I’m kind of depressed, I need to get my life in order. My family life is weird right now. My whole life is weird right now. Adding a boyfriend into that mix would be bad. I need to find who I am as a person, and be happy with myself before a relationship. A boyfriend can’t be the thing that makes me happy, I need to make myself happy. It’s unfair to put that type of pressure on someone else. They can’t be the only source of my happiness.
Last night I was at a house party with my best friend. It was my first time meeting her “man-friend” as she likes to call him. We had a really great time. Until N told me that I should message L and see what he was up to, maybe I could go there, have a place to crash, and have sex and cuddles since I’ve been kind of cranky without it lately. He has kind of been avoiding me a little bit, and I didn’t know why. We talk, but he never wants to hang out.
He ended up telling me that he couldn’t come get me, and I couldn’t go spend the night for a few reasons. I asked if he had another girl, and he said that he was seeing someone.
My heart broke. I cried. I cried in front of people. I feel like such an idiot right now. I cried in front of people I didn’t know. And then my friend was saying to her friends, “My friend is sad. Go give her a hug.” So then I was getting these pity looks and pity hugs. When I’m upset, I don’t like to be touched. Okay, I don’t really like to be touched a lot of the time, especially if I don’t know you. She should know this, but she was fucking hammered. We were all pretty drunk. Once I read his message though, I wasn’t all that drunk. I kind of sobered up. I did deal with him in a mature matter, and I hope he doesn’t know that I’m upset.
I’m sad to say, the first thoughts that went through my head was, “What’s wrong with me? What does she have that I don’t?” I began questioning my own self worth. Because of what? A guy? I don’t want to be one of those girls. I especially don’t want to be like this over a guy that I’m not even dating. We are not dating. He did tell me that he’s seeing someone, and I’m glad that he did. I just thought that we were doing so much better this time around. I always hope that he will want me, even though I’m not sure if I even want him. Do I even want to be with him? Or do I just want the sex, cuddles, every part of the relationship except for the commitment? Do I just want him because he is so unattainable? I always try to answer these questions, but I never can. I always say that I’m going to remove myself from the situation, but I never can. I don’t know what I want out of this life, out of this month. What do I want the end result to be? Obviously, I want to be happy.
I told my friend that I am finally done with him. I’m not going keep getting back into a dead-end situation, and I don’t want to be a part of it. I think I’m a good catch. I’m smart, pretty, good sense of humour… And yet… I can’t find someone that I am fully happy with. I can’t find someone that I won’t cheat on, someone that fills me, in a way. Completes me? I read way too many romantic girly books, and watch way too many of the same type of movies. I want something that may not even be real. I’m so confused with life right now. And I’m so hurt by the fact that he’s gone. I need to end this vicious cycle that is going on with him. I just hope that I’m finally going to have the strength to do it. Wish me luck.
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