Exogenisis

I haven't written here for so long. I always mean to come here and write something, but I never feel as if I have anything important to say. Nothing important or interesting happens in my life. I can't turn anything into some witty post.

I went out with my friends and got too drunk, made out with one and woke up in bed with him, and couldn't find my shirt. We just fooled around, because I can't bring myself to have sex with someone I'm not in love with.

Every day I go to work, and I come home, to where I live with my cousin. We don't generally hang out together, because we both seem to be very boring. Sometimes I'm okay with it. Sometimes I want to talk. It's nice to know that she's there, but I don't want to bother her. She's in her room for a reason, right?

Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to talk. I want to share my somewhat irrational fears with someone. No matter what they say, it's not going to go away, so I just want someone to listen to me. Here is a place where I can vent, and no one says anything.

On Sunday, I had what I (and some others) am referring to as an episode. I was laying down on my stomach, doing homework with a friend, I went to go say something to her, and got dizzy. I don't even know if dizzy is the right word for it. I moved my head, and the world moved as well. I kept trying, and it would move right with me. It wasn't constantly spinning. My friend asked what was wrong, but I couldn't find the words. I knew what I wanted to say, but I just couldn't say them. I somehow got onto my back, and I laid there for what seemed like an hour, but was only 10 minutes, of barely being able to move and talk. I was twitching and shaking, but had problems moving voluntary. I didn't feel like I was in control of my own body, in a way. I was there, but I wasn't running the show. The next hour was weird. I couldn't even smile or laugh when I was able to talk. I was so scared, and tears were streaming down my face.

I went to the doctor the next day, a walk in clinic I like to go to when things get weird. I haven't been there since January, when they sent me for blood work. They never called me in regarding the results, so I figured every thing was all good. He didn't think it was anything serious, but he sent me for blood work just as a precaution. He thinks I just pinched a nerve in my neck. After he sent me on my way, he told me to come back in two weeks. The next day, I went for the tests. Today, the office called me and told me they got my results and want me to come in to discuss the results, but he's not in again until Friday morning.

I always thought that no news was good news. They usually only call when something is wrong. And now I just have this fear that something is wrong. It's an irrational fear, I probably just have an iron deficiency. But I'm still scared.

I don't want to be scared. It's probably nothing. Some iron pills. So what. So why do I still have this feeling in my gut that something is wrong?

Don't You Remember

Dear you,

I often think about where I went wrong. I've gone over our friendship over and over, spent hours trying to pin point the moment that you were done. But I honestly can't. I don't know what I did wrong. The person that I am, is the person that you've been friends with for over 7 years. Yes, there have been some changes, but those were changes for the better. And you've obviously changed over the years. But we grew together, grew towards each other. We did everything together, and I thought we were good that way. It wasn't just me wanting to be closer to you, you wanted to be closer to me.

You had said that a lot of things had accumulated over the past few months, but you never said anything to me. In a friendship, as well as any other relationship, there must be communication. You never talked to me, never told me when I pissing you off. When you first stopped talking to me, I thought it was just you, going through another one of your phases where you wanted to be alone. Was that your way of telling me that I was doing something wrong? Maybe it was, but you had always done that, I thought it was just a part of who you were. A paranoid depressed stoner who had to be left alone sometimes.

What happened that night at the bar? You said that was the final straw for you, but I honestly don't know what I did wrong. Did it have something to do with that guy coming up to me when we were leaving, asking for my number? I remember how you left, saying you would wait outside. You didn't talk to me the whole way home. The skytrain, bus, nothing until you got to your stop, you looked at me briefly, put a smile on, and said, “Bye!”. That was the last thing you said. Up until the exchange, that was basically our last interaction, and I was happy that you were smiling in it. We did still catch the skytrain home together, but we didn't talk. You almost walked right past me a few times. I knew something was wrong on that day when you rushed ahead and started walking home, not even waiting for me.

I don't know what I did, and it kills me inside. Not knowing what I did to push my best friend away. We were so close, you were like my other half. What happened to forever and ever? We were supposed to last. How did we change so much, how did you grow to hate me so much that you can't even look me in the eye, can't even talk to me long enough to tell me what I did? Even over a text, you can't tell me. And I don't want to push you, because I don't want you to feel pestered, I don't want to upset you in any way.

I wish I could apologize for hurting you. You said that I don't need you, but I do. Yes, the boys give me happiness, and I have fun with them, but I also had so much fun with you. It was different with you. We watched every single playoff game together. When the boys asked me to go to the bar, if you didn't want to go I wouldn't. I don't want to make you feel bad by saying that I gave things up for you, I want you to feel special that I would have rather hung out with you than them. I preferred you.

This whole dilemma hurts me so much, when I think about you I want to cry. But I also know that there is no going back. When you sent me those texts, telling me how you felt, saying your life was more peaceful without me, depression stage or not it was done. You can't take some things back, and that hurt so much. People told me you would get over it, but I knew that I couldn't.

Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. Our houses and work are each two blocks away from each other. Every time I go or leave home, I'm scared I'm going to see you. I even started catching the bus at an earlier time so you wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. I get to work half an hour early some mornings. And the one time that I was running late and caught the same bus, you didn't come anywhere near me.

I honestly don't know what I did wrong in our friendship, but I wish we could have talked about it. Maybe then I could have told you what you were doing wrong. I'm sad that you're gone, but I'm also a bit happier. I can go out with my friends and not worry about you judging me for drinking on a week night. I no longer have to worry about what I've done to upset you, if it was even me that upset you, about what in the world has gotten you upset and how I can help you feel better. I can talk to my friends, and they listen to me. They don't blatantly ignore me. Is that why you couldn't take it anymore? Was it because I have a bunch of friends and we have a lot of fun, and you didn't want to listen about it because you sat at home all the time, refusing to come out with us? Was it because guys came up to me and flirted with me, and they didn't with you? I ignored guys for you, told them I wasn't interested if you didn't want to talk to them, which you never did and sometimes you were very rude for no reason.

I could go on guessing forever about what I did to hurt you. About what I did to make you hate me so much you can't even look me in the eye. But I won't go on forever guessing. I'm never going to forget you, or our time together. But it will always be tainted with the horrible way you ended our friendship, by not talking to me for two weeks, and I'm the one who broke the silence, asking what happened. I wonder how long you would have gone without talking to me. I had no idea of the state we were in.

I wish I could send this to you. So you can know my feelings.

You didn't give me my key ring back with my keys.

Sincerely, me

Grand Optimist

A few months ago, I thought I was in an okay place. I had a good group a friends, my guys and my boo. Work isn't all that great, but I know it's secure and it pays the rent. Plus it helps that my co-workers are amazing, and laugh at my immaturity instead of criticizing me to be more 'professional' and 'mature'.

My boo started being quiet, which isn't all that unusual, because she goes through these 'moods'. Which is another reason why I would often refer to her as my wife: I got the silent treatment quite often. Sometimes I didn't know why; I didn't know if it was because of me, or if she was feeling depressed for another reason. I never pushed her too much on it, I just let her work her way through it, it's how she preferred it.

We went to the bar with one of her co-workers to watch a hockey game. It seemed like a pretty good time, everything seemed pretty normal for the most part. I went up to go to the bathroom at one point somewhat early in the night and two guys started talking to me, eventually getting to the question of whether they could sit with us. I said I would have to think about it, and get back to them. When I went back to the table, boo immediately said no, she didn't even bother to look over at them. But, as always, I didn't push it. She never really wanted to hang out with guys, yet she was always complaining that she didn't have a boyfriend. The night went on as usual, and as we were leaving, another guy came up to me and started talking, and asked for my number. Boo said, "I'll wait outside", and off she went. I just started after her for a few seconds, apologized to the guy, and went off in search of her. When I met up with her outside, she didn't even look at me. We walked to the skytrain in silence, got on and rode in complete silence. She was talking to her co-worker, I was listening to my iPod. We got on the bus, sat across from each other. When we got to her stop, she looked at me, said, "Bye!", and she got off.

Those were the last words she said to me in person. We got on the bus together in the morning, rode the bus home together after work, but never said anything. Eventually, I stopped waiting for her and just went. Or maybe she stopped waiting for me.

Two weeks later I contacted her, asking her what I did to offend her so deeply, and whatever it was, I'm sorry.

"I have nothing to talk about with you and listening to you all the time drove me insane. You don't need me."

And that's its. Our eight year friendship is over. My best friend is gone. I still don't even know what I did wrong, no one understands. I just wish I knew what I did that was so wrong. We all talked about our jobs, our lives, we just sat around and talked over drinks and food. Some people think it's because of the guys flirting with me, because no one ever goes up to her. But I don't want to think that, I just can't believe that. Why would she end our friendship over that? We did everything together.

Right when I thought that I was in a good spot with friends, and ready to actually consider some type of other relationship, this happened. It put a set back, for sure.

I recently got in contact again with a mutual friend of ours. I asked her to be a double agent for me. I just want to know if she's okay. She was going through a lot of stuff, and even though she hurt me, I just want to know that she's happy.

Tune back in for a post of my trip to see my cousin in the country. And my experience with a gun! Pictures included.

The One That Got Away

It's not like I can't find someone. Because I can. I'm slowly searching for someone who can accept me for who I am and not of who I could be. Slowly, I'm searching for someone who I can do the same for.

There is someone out there who will shake his head at my immature jokes, and who knows that I forget that I bought a juice and it's just hiding in my huge purse big enough to fit a small child. Someone who will take care of me when I'm sick because I'm incapable of even making a cup of tea, because I end up laying on the floor of my living room on the way to the kitchen.

There is someone who will make my heart flutter when I hear my phone ring in hopes that it's him. Who will look at me with love and care, as if they wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world but right there with me. Who will randomly pick me up, just because they want to hold me.

He will be able to talk to me all day, knowing that I could jump to a completely different topic in a second because I get bored easily. He will go along with it, because he just wants to see me smile and make me happy. He will send me random text messages just to let me know that he's thinking about me.

He will make me feel more wonderful, not because I need him to complete me, nor I him, but just because we will bring out parts of each other that we didn't know existed.

Above all, he will love me for me. He will love all of my flaws because it is what makes me me, makes me the person that I am. He won't try to change me, won't try to fix me in anyway, because I'm not broken or damaged.

But a small part of me really wishes that he could be you.

The Way It Ends

I want to be that girl who has lots of friends. Who has a big group of friends, and they go out and party. When people think of me, they say, "She knows how to have a good time." I don't know why I want to be that girl, why I try so hard to be someone who I'm not.

The person I am is a homebody. I love sitting at home, watching tv shows or reading a book. It's just who I am. It's who I've always been, I'm guessing who I'll always be. There's no reason why I shouldn't be happy with it.

I generally don't need a lot of approval from people, for the most part I am happy with myself. But there's just those low points, those times where I just feel like sometimes there's no point, that this path is leading me nowhere, and I need a new path.

Maybe I'm just lonely. I have great friends all around, but I want that closeness with someone. I saw the cable guy yesterday, and it's been four months since I've had sex. The last time was with him. He has a girlfriend, and maybe they're happy, I don't know. He was scruffy with his playoff beard, and he had been riding all day. But I still thought he was so sexy. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him, why I crave him so deeply. He gave me a hug goodbye, and he lingered for a fraction of a second, our lips so close. And I wanted him so bad. I just wanted him to hold me, to cuddle me, and kiss me.

I want to be extraordinary. Maybe I am, I just can't see it. I really wish I could see it.

The Sound of Silence

When I started hanging out with Hermy, a lot of people thought that we were going to date. We had both been through a lot with N, we understood what the other one went through. Then I started hanging out with Pilot a lot as well. We both have stomach problems, so we understand each other on that front. But nothing has ever happened, with either of them, and there have been many times where it could have happened.

Pilot and I do our thing, we go out for dinners, grocery shopping, or just lay on my couch all night watching TV.

Hermy and I tend to get drunk. A friend of mine is amazed that we haven't fooled around with each other while drunk. When the two of us are drunk together, we definitely need adult supervision, which is usually Pilot. But nothing sexual ever happens.

Last night we didn't have adult supervision and we got drunk. He shouldn't have even been driving. But for some reason he was. When I get drunk I don't even think of it, which is absolutely horrible. But only if I'm with one of them, which does not make it right in any way, but still. I don't know.

We ended back at his house, and I was totally prepared to sleep on the couch. Then he started going on about how I just had to watch The Patriot, or at least the 'bad ass' part, so I told him I was going to steal his bed if he put it on. I don't know how it happened, but we ended up watching it in his bed. Thankfully not all of it, only some part where Mel Gibson kills someone and he's covered in blood. Honestly, creeped me out. But now I totally want to watch the movie.

Waking up beside him wasn't weird either which was a total plus. I'm glad that we didn't fool around, and I have faith in us that we won't have some drunken mistake that makes things awkward.

But I do think about him, about if we would work. He's such an amazing guy, I don't know how he's single. Any girl would be lucky to have him. I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes to Europe.

I Belong To You

After having a weekend of fun and shenanigans, I call up my Visa to see where my balance stands at. I listen to the automated voice tell me what it is, and I just start shaking. My hands are having a little bit of problems writing down all the figures that the voice is telling me, but I continue to do it. After it's over, I sit back. When will I learn that it's time to stop going out and spending all my money, and start saving.

I'm supposed to be going to San Francisco in September. My friend doesn't have a credit card, so it all has to go onto mine. I need to bring my limit down low enough so that I can do it. That shouldn't be a problem, $57 a pay cheque in order to do so, and I already put at least that amount on there. But what I need to do is stop spending the money.

I've done pretty well this year so far, except for this weekend when my friend and I decided to do a pub crawl in Whistler. Different bar for every period of the hockey game.

I love having my friends, but oh boy does it cost money sometimes.

As much as I do love them and going out, sometimes I wish that I didn't... That I could just go back to rarely going out and spending money. What I have cut down in coffee and eating out, I'm spending on nights out with them.

I'm young, I want to have fun... But I don't know if my stomach and my bank account can keep up with the beers.

Fireworks

When I think back at my past, my teenage years, I can't help but feel some regret. I know that I shouldn't, that what I did then helped me to become the person that I am today.

But what if I'm not completely happy with the person that I am today? What if I wish that I was someone else?

Most of the people in my life think that I'm always happy. I'm just the happy bubbly girl that rarely gets mad or sad, because even when I say that I am, I say it with kind of a smile. But the truth is, I've been hiding who I really am for so long that I don't know how to just be natural sometimes.

My whole life I've been on the move. Always moving because we were getting evicted from yet another place. But each time I got used to the place where I was. I called it home, tried to make new friends and be happy. With each time it happened, it got harder and harder. I found myself always smiling, because who wouldn't want to be friends with someone who's happy? No one wants to be friends with someone who is constantly sad, that's for sure. So why not be the opposite?

However, when you're always nice and friendly and giving, there will be those people who sniff you out and use you. Because you won't get mad at them for it. You're a happy person who doesn't want to make enemies. But each time someone used me, a small part of me would inactivate itself. Each time that someone used my words, my feelings, against me, a small part of me would inactivate itself.

Soon, my self esteem was basically nothing. I had no true friends. I had guys that would just be with me in hopes of sleeping with me. I was just a toy to people, I no longer felt like a human being. But I just went on being constantly happy and smiling. I didn't want them to know that they were getting to me. Why make enemies? Who knows how long I would even be there? I just wanted friends, even if they weren't real, if they were just using me, because it was better than nothing.

That's how I got used to people treating me like crap, and why I just took it. It was better than nothing, everyone treated me like crap. Isn't that how friendships go? Bad talking behind their backs, using them for one thing or another?

When I guy would ask me out, I would say yes, of course. Even if I knew that they just wanted one thing, I would go for the date. I wouldn't give them what they truly wanted, I didn't let them woo me, which would make them mad at the end, but for that small amount of time, I would feel like someone wanted to be with me. I got the feeling that I was worth something, and that someone could fall in love with me.

But they didn't want to be with me, and they didn't fall in love with me. As soon as they realized that they weren't getting the invite to my bed, they would be gone, on the search for another girl with low self esteem that would fall for their trickery.

I didn't know how to be myself with people, not fully. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get there. I'm always afraid that the person is just using me, that if I talk to them and tell them my thoughts and feelings, they will just use that against me. Afraid that as soon as I actually fall for a boy that is flirting with me, he will turn around and laugh with his friends at me, because it was all a bet.

But I've met these new people. Slowly, I think that I'm coming out of my shell, I'm showing them who I am. I'm not worried about them judging me or even using me. What could they be using me for, really? My whole life I have wanted friends that are always there for you, that are just always there. I have these three friends, and they are. We talk constantly, and it's amazing that we always have stuff to talk about. Whether it's talking about our day or the weather, or maybe hopes and dreams for the future and our feelings. One thing that bothers me is that two of them are guys, and people are always wondering why we're not dating. Specifically one of them, Pilot. We hang out every Thursday, it's our play dayt day. We usually also hang out on the weekends as well, and he takes me grocery shopping, since I don't have a car. I met one of his co-workers at a party last night, and he told me that he has heard a lot about me. I'm fine with that, I tell my co-workers all about him and Hermy. He ended up saying to Pilot, “Why aren't you two dating?” That just bothers both of us so much. Just because a guy and a girl are friends, why do people have to assume that they're going to date? Pilot and I.... we're just a pair. We both have stomach problems, we're a lot alike personality wise as well, so we just get each other. He acts as my 'adult' at parties, and he will always make sure that me and my boo get home safely and that we're fine.

While we were hanging out today, having a Star Wars marathon, he said, “The thing is, when a guy and a girl are friends, at least one person is going to get feelings for the other at one point. The problem is that they usually think that they need to act on those feelings. But it's all about knowing when you should and when you shouldn't. I don't act on those feelings, and I'm not going to.” And he's right. At one point I had feelings for Hermy, I also had feelings for Pilot. But those two boys... I would never want to risk losing them. Hermy and I always have such a blast when we're together, especially when alcohol is involved. Pilot and I just get along so well, he's my go to person, he understands me so well.

At the party last night, I was really tired so I went to go and lay on the couch. Pilot sat beside me, so I curled up to him. He gave me his jacket for a blanket. Then on the ride home, he let me lay my head on his lap while he was driving so I could sleep a little. He was rubbing my back, playing with my hair, and had his hand rested on my side. At no point did I feel uncomfortable. He didn't try and put a move on me at all, he never does. He makes sure that I get up to my house safe, hands me a Gatorade and tells me to go to bed.

Before, I would assume that he was waiting to make a move, that he just wanted to get me drunk so that he could take advantage of me. But now, I don't feel that way. He looks out for me at parties, makes sure that no guy is making me feel awkward or touching me inappropriately, and I do the same for him. Not to the point where we are cock-blocking, we just kind of know. I'm finally learning how to trust again, and it's just so nice. This doesn't mean that I'm going to trust just anyone, but I'm learning how to choose my friends more wisely.

It's about time.

Marry You

Once upon a time, I had a best friend. We had been friends for years. The relationship started slowly, we would talk at school and smoke with each other during breaks. Then we started to hang out outside of school. My infatuation with her grew to be more and more, but I thought nothing of it, she was straight. Then we would drink, and she would be all flirty with me, she started getting touchy-feely. We 'dated', if that's what you could call it. We would hold hands and kiss, and people would look at us. I didn't care about them, I just looked up at her. She was so beautiful, such a magnificent person. Or so I thought.

She went away one weekend, she didn't tell me where she went or anything, and I didn't really care. But when she came back, she was in a relationship. She had met this great guy online, and they spent the weekend together, and so they started dating. I was shocked and hurt, but I said nothing about it. I smiled and congratulated her, and life went on, my heart with a little crack in it.

Soon we started seeing each other less and less, and she started seeing him more and more. She went to a different school, which made matters worse, and pretty soon we were only talking the odd time one of us called the other. Until one day when she said to me, "I moved to a different school and got new friends. Maybe you should think about doing the same, I'm not always going to be here whenever you want me to. I have new friends."

That pretty much halted our talking for quite a while. But still, every once in a while, I would try. I just couldn't imagine my life without her completely.

A few months after that, she called me when she was hammered, wandering the unsafe streets of our city, yelling at me, saying that no one was ever there for her, that she had no real friends and she hated everyone. In my head, I was yelling, "I'm always here for you! I've always tried to be there, to be your friend whenever you needed someone, but you pushed me out of your life!" But to her I said, "Wherever you are, come to me. I will pay for your cab ride, just come here." She yelled at me no, she was going home, she was fine and didn't need me, then hung up. I was so worried about her, until the next morning when I talked to her and she had no recollection of talking to me. She had just gotten into a fight with her boyfriend.

Her and I would go through times when we wouldn't talk to each other, but we would usually find ourselves to each other when one of us was going through a break up. When we were about 21, we became really close again. We hung out every chance we could, which was difficult when she ditched me last minute constantly, and we also lived in different cities. But for a year and a half, we were great. Hung out often to drink and party, talked at least three times a day on the phone, we were tight. She was my best friend, and I would do anything for her. I lied for her.

She always encouraged me to lie to my friends to ditch them for her. I tried to do it to the best of my abilities, but I just hated lying so much. It was so difficult for me, it's always been a difficult thing. I hate liars. My parents were liars, and it never made anyone happy. Lying always hurts people. She would tell me the perfect lie to tell to someone, she was so great at lying.

And then I realized that she lied to me all the time. I knew that she lied, she ditched me, she treated me horribly, but one day it just.... clicked. And I was done. A lot of it was because of B, her ex-boyfriend and what came to be a good friend of mine. Over the course of me dealing with my emotions of how I felt about her and being so hurt, he was there for me. Together, we realized a lot about her. We talked a lot, and realized that she lied a lot, and told each of us very personal things.

It's been months since I ended the friendships. Never have I looked back. I know that it was the right thing to do, and she just would have gone on hurting me. She wouldn't have cared either, because she claimed to do everything to protect me, she cared for me so much and never wanted to see me me hurt. But when I looked back, she had hurt me in so many ways, all through the years. She started a crack in my heart, and it just kept going until my heart completely broke. My friends have mended it back together, and I'm great now.

My best friend, Boo, and I decided that we wanted to be married on Facebook. But first we would be engaged, of course, and get 'married' on Valentines Day. But for some dumb reason, Facebook won't let us be engaged to each other. So right now, it just says that I'm engaged. I took the ginger off of my friends list a few months ago, when I ended the friendship. But she just sent me a text, congratulating me on my engagement.

I laughed so hard when I received it, and told my friends. We all had a good laugh about it. And then the laughing stopped for me.

I thought, at one point, that she was my best friend, that she knew me better than anyone in the world. But if she did, if she truly knew me, how could she actually think that I was engaged?

Your New Twin Sized Bed

When I was younger, I thought that I would want children. I think mostly because it was a natural feeling, grow up and start a family.
Then as I got older, I realized that I didn't really have the patience for children. I find them loud and a little annoying. They need constant attention and approval. I like quietness for my reading, and people not talking to me.
I've had my 4 year old niece for the weekend, and it's been going pretty well. She's currently eating her cereal and watching cartoons, which I'm happy with. Only once in a while she needs some attention. But that's just right now. She's still half asleep I'm pretty sure. When she's fully awake, she needs so much attention it's ridiculous. She says my name every 5 minutes. I'm tired of hearing 'aunty', and not being able to smoke in my apartment. I love her, she's like my own child, I've watched her grow, I remember the day she was born, she's my little pumpkin, but I can't wait for her to go home. I'm so tired just from how much energy she has. She's so small, how does she have so much energy!
I took her shopping yesterday, since my darling brother and sister-in-law sent her with one pair of socks, one pair of jeans(full of holes), one set of pajamas. No other shirt to wear for the next two days, just the one she came in.
So I bought her a new pair of jeans that she can grow into a little bit, two t-shirts, one long sleeve shirt, a sweater, and three pairs of socks. As soon as she gets home, they will most likely be ruined because that's what happens. Kids are messy, and my sister-in-law doesn't do anything if something gets stained. I wasn't even sure if she was going to be clean, so I bathed her as soon as she got here on Friday, as well.
She also has a blanket. She loves this blanket with her everything, and she can't sleep without it. I almost puked when I smelled it, it was so disgusting. I washed it as soon as I had a chance.
I love my brother, and I love his children. I just wish that he made more money so that he could care for them more. He does the best he can, and they are happy, so I guess that's all that matters. But they deserve more, in my opinion.
Maybe that's another reason why I don't want to have children. I am in no place to offer one what it needs. They need so much. I don't even have a significant other, and that may be a good start.
But I have a feeling that it's not going to change. I don't want children. That's okay. My brother has children, I can steal his. Or maybe I'll be like my aunt and uncle, who also didn't want children until three or four years ago, now they have a two year old boy and a baby girl that was born yesterday. They are almost forty.
Nothing to worry about now, though. I'm just going to try and have fun with my niece, maybe set her up with some paper and crayons so she'll leave me alone for a bit.

Hurt

Today was like any other day. Got up, got ready, went to work. But I wasn't as annoyed with my co-workers as I have been for the past while. I thought that I was perking up, that I was coming out of my 'bleh' phase and I was going to be back to my usual chipper self.

So as I was sitting at my desk, in between working, I decided to look up the costs for flights to Las Vegas, since Boo told me that we were going to be going with her brother and his friends in June a few weeks back. But when I told her about it, and as we were talking, it was no longer the 'we' that I thought it was. It was turning into an 'I' thing. She said that she was going to have a week in Las Vegas, and then a week with the wife, which is me. So I decided to say, "Maybe I'll take my other week off in April." She just responded with, "So how's your day, boo??". I guess this means that I will not be going to Las Vegas.

That was a big thing that I was looking forward to. I've been wanting to there since I turned 21.

So, that brought me right back to where I was before.

I was talking to Pilot about it, and he thinks that maybe I caught it from him. He's been feeling very 'bleh' lately and we spend a lot of time together, so maybe that's it. I just caught his 'bleh' feeling. As if it's a cold. Some type of virus. Beware of the Bleh Virus! Some say it's deadly! As in you'll kill yourself!

I'm not there, though. I just feel like socking my co-workers every now and then, and I wish my best friend liked to talk more.

Honesty, I never thought that I would be saying something like that. I wish my best friend wanted to talk about feelings more. I talk about my feelings with Pilot more than I do with Boo, who is my boo, my best friend, my wifey. Whenever I talk about things with her, I know that she doesn't care. She doesn't like to talk about people, she likes to talk about movies and music. I've gotten used to it, in a way. But I also feel like a friend of mine (let's call him Vidiot, because that's what he is) who just talks to me about stuff, and he knows that I'm not listening and that I don't care, but he just needs someone to talk to, to vent to. I have become that.

But when I talk about my feelings and junk with Pilot, or even Hermy (his nickname that has stuck, since the night that he was acting like a vagina and I called him out on it, and he said, "Just call me Hermy!" He wasn't too happy the next day), they actually listen and try to cheer me up.

I met this guy on my way back from Yellowknife, we sat beside each other on the plane, and he was really cute. We've been talking on Facebook, and even though he lives kind of far, I'm kind of interested in him. We were talking the other day, and I was feeling a little giddy because I rarely get a guys attention where he's complimenting me these days. Except of course for my guys, but they compliment me on my belches or when I point out a hot chick with a nice rack. As I'm telling Boo about how it made me happy to be getting this kind of attention, she just looked at me with a smirk and said, "Really? Over some guy giving you attention? It's not like that never happens."

But it doesn't. These days, the only attention I get is from L when he decides to message me once a month because he wants sex. Or Vidiot awkwardly calling me 'pretty lady', which I don't know how to respond to. Oh, and there's also Jesus. But we're not telling Boo about Jesus because, well, he's taken her on a few dates, and even though she has no interest in him, I know that she would be none too happy. It's happened before, some guy will talk to me and not her.

One time we were at the bar, and this guy started talking to me, but I tried to get him to talk to Boo all night. And he did, they had a great time, I barely said a word. But at the end of the night, he gave his number to me and not her. I felt bad. But there was nothing I could do, I tried.

All in all, I don't know where I'm going with this post. But I do think that it helped with something.

Simon Says

6:38am - Alarm goes off. This week: S&M by Rihanna. Snooze button.

6:43am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.

6:48am - Alarm goes off again. Snooze button.

6:53am - Alarm goes off again. Dismiss. I get up, find clothes. Go to the kitchen, clean the coffee filter from previous use, get coffee ready. Don't hit start. After hair is dried.

Put iPod in dock, put on a song that is roughly 8 minutes long. Feature of the week: Wheel of Time by Blind Guardian. Goal: Be out of shower by the end of the song. Usually succeed.

Get out of the shower, dry body. Wet bangs again, hair is fine so it dries quickly. Style bangs, blow dry hair. Start coffee. Moisturize face, put on mascara. No need for other makeup, hate the stuff.

Put clothes on. Grab coffee, throw in cream and sugar. Turn computer on, open window, turn on light, light a cigarette. Sit on Facebook and smoke for 15 minutes. Prepare yourself for the boring day to come.

7:49am - Rinse out coffee cup. Brush teeth.

7:54am - Leave for work. Go to bus stop, see boo. Talk about unimportant stuff, possible serenade her if the mood and song is right.

Roughly 8:38am - Get to work. Talk to co-worker about meaningless stuff that has happened since last seen her. Look for timesheets to post.

Wander around office, sit at desk, wait for smoke breaks, hope that no one sees you and gives you work. Wait for 5:00pm so that you can go home.

To do what? Sit there. Read, maybe watch TV or a movie, sit on Facebook for the entire night.

This is the adult life. Too poor to go out. Not enough energy to do it even if there was money.

Such boring routine to life. Once in a while something interesting will happen.

I'm still in the spot where I don't feel like I'm living. I'm just here.

But I have high hopes for 2011. This will be a better year. I will get my raise that I was promised six months ago. I'll get control of my finances.

This will be a better year. This will be a better year. This will be a better year.

Maybe if I say it enough times, it will come true.