Love Story

Sometimes I don't know if it's worth it. The heartache that I feel, the actual pain of it. It's hard to breathe sometimes, when I actually think of the situation that we have found ourselves in. All I wanted was to know why you weren't texting me as often as you once did. The next thing I know, we are in a full blown discussion, tears streaming down my face. Oh, how many tears have fallen down my face since that Friday night. You were going on about how you don't know what you want, how you're not ready to get married or move in together. Tears just streaming down my face, saying that's not want I want either right now. We haven't even together for a year, why are you thinking of these things? What put this into your mind?

I have so many questions that I'm eager to ask you, I just want to bombard you with them every time I see you, which hasn't been often since that night. I took everything I had there with me, so it's harder for me to just train on over after work. We are taking space, I'm leaving you alone, because that's what you want. But all I want to do is be with you. I want to sit down and talk with you, find out if these tears are worth it. If there is some type of light at the end of the tunnel, or if it's just a dead end.

I don't mind walking back. I don't mind taking my own path, I'm used to it by now. But I just need you to tell me. If you want to walk away, you are going to have to do it. I don't have it in me to walk away from you.

Because when I'm with you, everything is okay. The way you touch and kiss me, the way you look at me, it still makes me feel amazing. Cuddling with you in the morning is one of my favourite things. When I'm with you, and we're happy, then it makes it all worth it. To see you smile, to see your son smile, makes me so happy. Because I just want you to be happy. If I don't make you happy, then I will be sad, but I want you to find out what does make you happy.

What if I walk away, and you just needed space? If I just walk away now, I will always wonder what if. And that is one of my most hated things to do. I have over thought every decision I have made after making it. Wondering "what if I had just stayed and fought, instead of running away?"

But then there are those times when we are together, and you're selfish. You never noticed that I got my hair done. You are hot and cold. Sometimes you're attentive, sometimes you're absent, when you're right beside me. How am I supposed to know what you want? I'm not a mind reader.

Your sister-in-law told me how she talked to you. And you said you didn't know what you wanted, because you have been down this road before, and it ended horribly. Which brings me back to thinking that maybe you're just scared. But again, how I am supposed to know what you really want.

Our one year is coming up. And I don't even know if you're going to be around for that.

Whatever you're going through, I hope it ends soon. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. I'm tired of the pain and the tears. Especially when you're not even here to tell me that it's all going to be okay.

When is it all going to be okay again? And will you be there to comfort me, or will I do it alone?

Pushing Me Away

The days are all confusing, now. Am I in a relationship? Do I want to be in a relationship? Do I even care anymore?

All the answers are yes, but are they really? I am in a relationship, I do want to be with him, and I do love him. But I'm feeling so hurt these days, I think it would be easier to run. And OF COURSE it's easier to run, but I'm so determined not to do that.

But I'm starting to think that is what I should and need to do. He's not sure what he wants, responding to texts is becoming a difficult thing for him (yet I see him online Facebook), and I'm just feeling all around neglected.

I saw him the other day, and it was just like normal. He was attentive, he was talking to me about his day, asking about my day, he was passionate, actually coming up to me and just passionately kissing and holding me. The next day, he texted me in the morning, to see how I was. However, I didn't hear from him until later that night.

He says he wants in, he just wants space. I'm tired of making excuses for him, so I'm just sitting back, letting him go through his feelings and figure out what he wants.

But, my biggest question is, when does it turn from 'running' to 'admitting defeat'?

Scissors

The world doesn't stop because you're sad. People, generally, will not drop everything to help you in your time of need, your time of crying. This is hard to deal with, and it always makes me even more sad.

Because I am that type of person. If someone close to me is sad, I will drop everything and go to them. However, I usually don't have much to drop. I've never really had much of a life.

I stopped hanging out with most of my friends when I started dating someone new. People think it's because my boyfriend doesn't like my friends, but it was mostly me. Firstly, they stopped asking me to hang out. At first, that made me really sad, but then I really started thinking about it, especially when they came back, asking me to hang out all the time. And after thinking about it, I realized, this is what I wanted.

My friends just get together and drink. Yes, that can be fun, I love drinking (I'm drinking a beer right now!), but it gets old fast when it's all you do. And drinking brings drama. There is so much history with a few of them, it's just bad news all around.

Anyways, I can kind of understand why they aren't here for me right now in my time of need. I just wish someone was, other than my brother. He keeps trying to make me laugh, and it works for a short period, but then, just as soon as I was laughing, I can be crying. I'm getting better at not breaking down in sobs, so that is encouraging.

I'm just so lost, unsure of where to go or what to do with myself. I have been put in limbo, and it's not something I deal with well. I want to go out, I want to interact with people, but then I just want to stay by myself. I just want to be alone.

What I really want is a hug.

Long Live

I just looked through my previous entries, and it made me feel good about where I am. I have come a long way. Always complaining about my friends, and now I see that being with the boyfriend finally got me out of that mess of drama. I really wanted to be freed of it, and then it happened, without me realizing.

Also realized that I sound like an emotional mess. I'm always talking about 'feelings' and 'emotions'. It seems as if I never really let myself feel things before this relationship. It appears as if I actually was going through life in a bubble, including trying to keep an emotional distance from everyone.

I have feelings and emotions. Huh.

No Love

Every once in a while I come here with the intention of writing something, yet I never really know what to write.

It seems that whenever I'm in a relationship, I don't feel like writing. Who wants to read about a happy girl? My friends sure don't want to hear about it. At first they were happy for me, but now, I think they're mad.

And for sure, they have full rights to be mad. I never go out and party with them anymore. I just have no desire to go downtown and get wasted, then worry about taking the train home by myself. It scares me to, and this isn't anything new. Doesn't help that I can't afford to live, let alone go out and spend $100 on a night drinking.

I spent $70 on dinner last weekend for the boyfriend and I, because he forgot his wallet. How convenient!

However, I'm sure they think I don't come out because I'm in a relationship, and that's the only reason. Obviously it is a bit of the reason, but not the only.

It's weird for him that all of my friends are guys. He thinks that they all want to sleep with me, which is crazy. Sure, maybe a few did at one point, but we're all tight.

I know that the friendships are dying, and it is my fault, but why can't they understand. No one wants to just hang out with me, no one asks, only in the big group, and far from me. They all drive, I don't. I don't want to sit on a bus for over an hour to hang out for 2 hours. It doesn't make sense. But they feel as if I should do it anyways.

Why should I? I spend a lot of my time bussing around, why can't someone drive somewhere close to me? Call me selfish, but I just don't want to.

For instance, right now I'm on the train to see the boyfriend. I train out after work sometimes, and he drops me off at home in the morning. Compromise, it makes more sense than what we used to do. Except for not going to my house, because he works 15 mins from my house, compared to the 45 from his. But his house is nicer. So it's okay.

I'll just be the girl with no friends. The only good part about that is if we break up, it will be that much easier to move away like I always wanted.