The Secret Life of Daydreams

Increasingly, I find myself waiting by my silent phone more and more. I know that he is crappy at texting, and when we are together it's all smiles, laughter and greatness, but sometimes.... It's annoying. And makes me insecure.

I don't like being the girl that waits by her silent phone.

It's pathetic. And makes me sad.

Forget You

As my relationship goes on, and we become more serious and get to know each other better, I just keep finding myself more in love. It's only been four months, but I'm usually gone by this point. I still get butterflies when he looks at me. I feel like I am the prettiest girl in the world when he's holding me and looking into my eyes. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have found him, something that I make sure to tell him.

I have a feeling he has low self-esteem. During Thanksgiving, on the way back home from his cabin, I told him how I thought that he might just be a summer fling, that it would never get serious, and that I was a little amazed as to how things turned out. He looked at me, confused, asking why I would think that. I just said, "Look at you. You're gorgeous. I thought that you would just turn out to be a player, but I went along with it because, well, you're so sexy." He was so confused, telling me no, no, no, he wasn't that good looking, or at least he didn't think so.

I look at him, and could just get lost. I have at times. When he's laying with his head on my chest, I look down, kiss him on the forehead and think, "Wow. He's mine."

But the worst part of it is, I spend every weekend with him. Every. Single. Weekend. Even the weekends when he has his son, I'm right there with them. Been that way for probably close to three months. I love every minute of it, even if we're just laying around doing nothing, which we did for a good portion this weekend. I hang out with him, his friends, his family, his son, and have a great time. And I have no desire to hang out with my friends. I enjoy him and his friends more than I do my friends, I think mainly because when I first started dating him, my friends basically ignored me. They didn't invite me out anymore. We still texted, but I never saw them. As I complained to my boyfriend about it, he said, "Whatever, you can share my friends. They're better, and they don't want to have sex with you." I started getting worried that maybe he was right, maybe some of my friends harbored some secret feelings for me, and that's why they stopped talking to me.

Now, my friends are inviting me out places, but I just don't want to go. I think it's more fun and exciting to hang out and watch kid shows and have pillow fights than to go downtown and get hammered, with no idea of how I'm getting home because we missed the last sky train.

But does that make me a bad friend?

I Will Wait

I seem to be having a lot of anxiety lately, and I think it's all due to my relationship.

My mind wanders a lot, and it usually tends to go to thinking about my relationship, probably because I'm quite shocked that I'm still in one. For a while in the beginning, I thought that it was just going to be a summer fling. But soon enough, I fell into a rhythm with him, and then we were saying those three little words. I've met his entire family, all of his friends, I seem pretty well liked. Even his son seems to be fond of me.

But there's just a little part of me that always worries that I'm not enough. Now, it's not a "oh, woes me, I suck and he's so amazing!" But more of a "our lives are so different, how can I ever be as outgoing as he is?"

Because that's just it. He is so outgoing, and I've been in this comfy little bubble for so many years. He's done everything, whereas I've done nothing. I think what is most intimidating is the sex, because he's done everything, everywhere, nothing is new to him. Then there is me, and I've done basically nothing.

All things considered, I know that I do just need to open up more, be more trusting. And I know that I can, I've already done so much.
But, I'm just scared that he's going to leave before I can actually do that. I think I may just be scared that he's going to leave, just when I've let myself open up for love again.

Love is scary.

Thinking of You

I am filled with so much emotion lately. There are emotions running wild throughout my body, some getting out, some me pushing back it. Sometimes I don't know which ones to attempt to push back in.

The situation with the boy is going well for me, but is it really? I'm always so confused when it comes to relationships, I never want to be the person who is more in than the other. I feel like that may be the case here. He has a kid and a lot of crap going on with the ex, he has told me that he's scared of commitment, has trust issues, won't be uttering 'those three words to a girl anytime soon'... Sometimes I'm surprised he's in a relationship with me at all despite all these things. What made him decide to actually put the label on it? I wonder if it was the fact that I told him that I wouldn't have sex with someone that I wasn't in a relationship with... When I'm with him, I feel secure. We laugh and have a great time, I usually end up spending the entire weekend at his house, and he'll sometimes come and spend the night at mine during the week.

But I still do have some insecurities. I usually never think I'm good enough for someone. He's much more 'experienced' than I am, which makes me fear that he'll get bored of me. He wants me to get out of my shell, quite being so shy. And I am really trying, which he acknowledges and appreciates, says he's proud of me. When he looks at me, I melt. He's gorgeous, funny, caring, smart, all the things I want in a guy. I could see myself falling for him. I just don't know if he could fall for me.

He seems a bit like a runner.

I wonder who's going to run first.

Sparks Fly

Over and over, I say that I'm tired of the drama and that I'm going to back away from everyone. I'm starting to sound like a broken record. But then I go back and hang out with everyone. They ask, and I go and hang out with them, I just can't help myself. I just think, "Oh, it's going to be fine!" But it never is.

The drama within my group is ridiculous. People had feelings for one another, made out or slept with one another, and it's all becoming too much for everyone. The tension is intense, and once the alcohol is added to it, there are mini explosions everywhere.

I was trying to stay out of it as much as possible, but it is just so difficult. People are supposed to act nicely, just forget about it and be calm. But of course, that can't actually happen. When you have feelings, you want them to be out in the open. You want the person that hurt you to know what they did. And when they don't understand, or don't care, you feel the need to tell them constantly. At least, that's how I'm understanding it.

My main problem is currently a girl in the group. We made out a few times, we were interested in each other. She started fooling around with a guy in the group, which everyone knew was just going to end horribly wrong, but they still felt the need to go for it. Once it did end horribly, we kind of gravitated to each other. There is sexual tension there, we both want each other. However, I have a boyfriend now, and I have every intention of not cheating on him, even if he did say that he doesn't care if I make out with girls. I don't think it's right.

As soon as she got drunk, she kept saying how she wanted she wanted me. "You are just so cute, and I just want to grab you and do horrible things to you." I couldn't help but make jokes about it, it's how I deal with things. Here is some girl who wants me so bad, and I can't help but laugh about it. She had me, and she went for the guy instead. She had said to Hermy earlier in the day that she wanted my boyfriend to come out so that she wouldn't be tempted, and then she was a little mad when she found out that he was coming. She kept telling me to message him and tell him not to come anymore.

I couldn't be myself around her. Everything I did apparently made her want me more. Couldn't play with my tongue ring without her biting her lip when she looked at me, couldn't take my septum ring out either. I was on my guard the whole time, which was difficult because I was drinking. I even picked my nose in front of her in hopes of her getting turned off, but she just laughed and said I was still adorable.

Talking to Hermy about it was out of the question, too. The person who I talk to about everything, and I couldn't. He is also so sick and tired of the drama, and he was getting angry at the girl, because she was causing shit. She's a great girl, but there's so much tension right now surrounding her with everyone. I was about to talk to Hermy about it, because he could tell that I was getting angry, but then the girl came. We were in the bouncy castle, jumping around, having a good time, but then something happened, I don't know what it was, and I had to leave. So I got up, left the bouncy castle, and I went home. No one came after me, and I'm very grateful for that. I shed a few tears out of anger, got home and turned off my phone.

I can't keep doing this, but it's so hard to walk away from my friends for good. I am just so sick of it all.

Enchanted

I have found myself in quite the predicament. It's not horrible, it's actually great. I just don't know how to deal with the feelings. The emotions are so great, I don't know how to express them.

I have found myself in a relationship. It happened quite oddly, one minute he told me that he was scared of commitment, the next he was saying that we should give a shot. And that was it, we were in a relationship. I giggle a little bit when I call him my boyfriend. And last night he called me his girlfriend for the first time. It honestly felt amazing.

We see each other quite often, even though he lives a 40 minute drive away, and I don't drive. I think about him, and I can't help but smile. He left my house this morning for work, and I'm sitting here in his pajama pants that smell like him, and I can't wait until he comes over this afternoon.

It feels so odd to me, excited to see a guy. Technically, I've been single for two years, even though I don't quite consider that 3 month stint a relationship. And it feels odd to me that a guy wants to see me. Not because he's my friend and we're going to go out and get hammered and check out chicks, but because he wants to check me out. He wants to hold and kiss me.

Sometimes when I look at him, I wonder what he's doing with me. Him and his friends are crazy, they have so much fun. He's attractive, funny, nice and sweet, and he wants me.

I can't help but stay on the look out for something bad to happen. 

Dear John

After trying to meet up for days, it finally happened on Sunday. Each of us, for some reason, had been actually putting in an effort to see the other, but our timing was always off... Which seems to be the story of us.

We decided that a day on my patio with some beers would be good, even though I don't get any sun due to trees. He asked 'What's so special about your patio then?' Absolutely nothing. It's just mine.

For four hours we sat there, just drinking beers and talking. There was a lot of reminiscing, me telling him about times when he was a douche and I wanted to punch him. But I tried to make it up with nice stories, he looked like he was getting a bit hurt by the douche stories. 'Surely', I said, 'there must have been a time when you didn't like me, maybe hated me a little bit?' He looked at me in thought, head tilted to the side, until finally his head did a little shake and a 'Noo..' popped out of his mouth.

Well I tried.

Quite opposite of hating me, he actually really liked me at one point, and wanted to take it a step further, he finally decided to tell me. But when he messaged me, I freaked out on him. I completely remember that day. I was so angry at him, always popping in and out of my life whenever he felt like it. I thought that he was just coming to me looking for sex. How was I supposed to know that he actually did care about me enough to consider a relationship?

After beers and talking, we realized we were cold and hungry, so we ordered pizza and moved inside. I put on Casablanca, because he had never seen it, and I had a craving for an old movie.

We ended up cuddling. He asked if I wanted to, and obviously I'm not going to say no. We watched it and didn't fall asleep, surprisingly. Almost as soon as it was over, I turned to face him to see how he liked the movie, and just burrowed into him, to get as much as I could out of this. Who knows if we'll cuddle again? I wanted to soak it up.

I walked him to the door, and when he went to give me a hug, he ended up picking me up, so I, in turn, wrapped my legs around him. Even after I unwrapped my legs, he still held on to me. Eventually he put me down, and went in for a kiss, but I turned my head and accepted it on my cheek. Then he took my hands, went in again, and kissed me softly on the lips.

'There, did you like that?' he said in a half joking voice.

And I did. I really, truly did.

Hot N Cold

For a reason currently unknown to me, I'm having difficulty leaving my house for reasons other than necessity. Like work. I have to go to that. I will come up with any excuse I can to just stay at home and do.... nothing. I just want to sit at home and do nothing. I would say read, but I haven't been doing much of that these days. I think after last year and reading so many books, I just wanted to go on a break. But it's past the middle of May, and I've read only a handful of books.

I keep trying to go to the computer, or the good old fashioned notepad, and trying to write something out, but nothing comes out there either. I just seem to have nothing to put out there, in any form. Even with my friends, the communications have been dwindling. Pilot and I have barely talked in months, but I have no idea what that is about. I have tried on numerous occasions, even initiating conversation the day after my birthday, which he didn't acknowledge. I've given up.

It almost seems as if slowly I'm giving up on life. That's not something new, I seem to go through one of these things every once in a while. Am I bi-polar? I guess it's fully possible, but I would be a tad bit surprised.

Life is so monotonous. I do a variation of the same thing every day. I have such a desire to leave, but I feel as if an anchor is holding me in place. Of course, there is the question of money and a job, which is a headache to think about, but I have thought about it. I've taken inventory of everything in my house, did research and got a rough estimate of what I could get for everything. I've looked up jobs in other cities, and since I work in the law/office field, it shouldn't be that hard, I see a lot of jobs. Of course I would have to take a pay decrease, but it would be worth it.

So I have put a lot of time and thought into it. But something is just stopping me. Is it fear of the unknown? Going out into the world by myself, no one to fall back and rely on? Is it the fear of my family, and what would they do without me? Of course, I don't do anything for them anyways (I refuse to give my brother money), but my ma and gma would surely miss me, as they have told me. They want me to stay. I would like to say that I'm staying for family ties, but I'm not actually that connected to my family. Of course, I love them dearly, they are amazing women, but I see them maybe once a month.

I also can't really see me staying just for my friends. Yeah, I got some good ones, I've ranted and raved about them tons of times here. But.... I don't have luck with keeping friends. After awhile, they just seem to leave me behind. Which is what I think is happening with Pilot. I have two good friends right now, but, again, who knows how long that will actually last.

I think it may just boil down to being a fear of the unknown. Going to a new city all by myself. Because, I wouldn't go anywhere in my province. I'm in the biggest city in my province, I doubt there would be good work other places, and I would have to go north. Which means colder weather. *shudder* More snow.

The only place I would go is the other side of the country. Which does have more snow. I do like snow, it's fun and makes the world a prettier place. When you're just looking out the window, you can almost forget about how horrible of a place it is. But that's the only place I would go.

Why can't I just suck it up and leave? Nothing is keeping me here. I really just want to leave, start over new. I desperately need to get away from places that hold such painful memories. I find it hard to make new memories here.

My goal is to be gone by next spring. Let's hope I can actually do it.

In Sacred Flames

In the past two weeks, a boy from high school has recently gotten back in contact with me. We were texting every day, he called me a few times. Sometimes I got really annoyed with him, like the way he seemed to get impatient when it took me too long to reply to him.

We had made plans to hang out yesterday, had them planned for about a week. So when the day came, I messaged him, asking when and where he wanted to meet up. Unfortunately, it seemed as if he had a lot of errands that he had to do, so he was going to message me when he was ready to go. This all went down at about 11:30.

By 1, I was bored and getting impatient, so I decided to start a Star Wars marathon. Then 3 rolled by, so I decided to order a pizza. By 5:30, he had finally messaged me, saying he was ready to go. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out anymore at this point. Then he showed up at my house. I was very upset that my Star Wars day was coming to an end, but I drank my sorrows away.

I ended up playing a drinking game, without him noticing. Whenever he said "retarded" or any form of it, I would chug my beer. Or when he showed me a picture, I would chug my beer. Double chug if it was of one of his cats.

For some reason, I decided to go with him to his friends party. I'm pretty sure it was because I was already kind of drunk. Even though he was a douche, he is attractive. It's been awhile. Whatever, don't judge.

So off we went on an adventure to downtown, had more drinks, then we were on our way to leave. He had said he checked the website and the last skytrain was leaving at 1:40. It left at 1:10.

Then he said he checked the website, and a bus was going to be coming in 15 minutes. We were no where near a bus stop.

I was getting very angry at this point, as I absolutely hate being downtown at that time. There are freaks down there! I asked a police officer for directions to catch the night bus, and we went on our merry way, I was dragging him, I was tired of him and sad that he was going to be coming to my house. He was probably going to try and sleep in my bed. And I knew that the bus ride was going to be at least an hour long.

But then... I met a boy on the train.

He overheard me mention how I had Steel Panther stuck in my head (absolute favourite song of the moment: Weenie Ride), and we talked every now and then about music. Tid bits here and there. Then he took my iPod, looked through, I gave him a headphone, he gave me his iPhone to search through his music, "Now don't be going through my phone at all. We wouldn't want you putting your number in there or anything." Of course, I did. He put his arm around me so I wouldn't fall, as we all were standing.

And where was my friend this whole time? I did not care. I was sad when I had to get off the bus, but he gave me a little kiss before I got off the bus. Will I hear from him? I don't know if I will. If not, that's okay. I'm used to it by this point.

When we got back to my house, he still tried to sleep in my bed. What an idiot.

She's Not There

After a night of drinking, sometimes even the same night if I didn't drink too much, I will go over the night and think to myself, "Oh, maybe THAT'S why I'm single."

For instance, my constant manly burping. I know that it's a normal thing, everyone does it, especially when drinking beer. However, apparently some people don't feel the same as me and my friends.

But I think the biggest is when I tell a guy that I will not sleep with him. I do this for two reasons.

1. Because I won't, and if thats what he is after, he can still have a chance to get it.

2. As a reminder to myself. It has been a looong time, and I'm so close to breaking my rule.

But maybe that scares a guy away. A guy I met on the weekend may be the type that got scared, I highly doubt that I will hear from him.

After I went to bed, he tried to get his friends car keys so he could drive home. So, I don't think I really care if I don't hear from him.

Open Your Eyes

The day starts off at Pilot's hockey game. I had gone with Pilot, so I was just sitting in the rink, waiting for the game to start. He had given me a beer to drink, but since it's a crappy ice rink, there's no drinking. So I sat there, unopened beer in my purse crying to be opened, waiting for the others to get there. As soon as Bus got there, I got him to accompany me outside to have a cigarette and my beer. Hermy came shortly after, coming from just finishing his mid term which he's sure he's aced. He's walking up with his hands in pockets, and as soon as he's close to us, he whips out two beers, cracking the cans as he's walking, "Sup bitches!" he yells as he hands Bus a beer.

So Saint Patrick's day had begun.

Surprisingly, they won their hockey game, which was another cause of celebration for the day. We were celebrating my roommate finally leaving, Hermy acing his midterm, St. Patty's day, and the win of the hockey game. They had 9 players, including the goalie, last in the league playing the number one team in the league. Even the referee's were surprised. After a few more beers in parking lot, we all split up to drive over to Hermy's house to have a BBQ and get shitfaced before heading downtown to cause a ruckus.

And cause a ruckus we did.

There's now a video on facebook of STM getting wallet slapped, a favourite for Hermy, on the skytrain downtown. There was a food fight at the bar, which our friends worked at, and they weren't too pleased about. Hermy also had green food colouring, and was making EVERYTHING green. Our drinks, someone's poutine (which no one finished because it looked so disgusting), even random people's drinks as he was heading back from the bathroom. I ended up passing out on the cab ride back. I didn't get too drunk, which I'm proud of. I'm worried about getting drunk now. Between my stomach problems and my feelings for one of the guys, I'm trying to keep myself under control so nothing happens.

Hermy knows about my feelings for one of them. He said that he already knew. It's not obvious unless we're drinking, because we always end up making out. But last night, as I was somewhat sober all night, I noticed that we flirt a lot. All the way downtown, sitting at the bar, on the way back. Maybe it is just me, and he just goes along with it because he's hammered. I wonder if there's anything there.

When we got back to Hermy's, he said that we could have his bedroom. "Top drawer, Amdizzle", he said. STM and I laughed about it when we were laying in bed, his arms around me, faces so close to each other. I was all ready to go to sleep, but then something in me said "Go for it", and so I did. I kissed him. But, damnit, Hermy's bed was so squeaky I was scared of moving. I don't know if Hermy thought we were actually going to have sex in his bed, but we didn't. We've been fooling around for more than a year, but I just won't have sex with someone unless we're dating.

It's easy to rip your clothes off and sleep with whomever; what's hard is having self control, which leads to self respect.

I talked to Hermy about it the next day, and he thought that he would be a good wingman. For both of us, because it's been so long for me, and STM, except for sleeping with his ex, which I don't think people approve of. He also did it because he knows that I like STM.

I hope that something comes of it.

First Love

Memories are a beautiful, yet tragic thing to possess. Sometimes they can bring a smile to a tearful face. Others, the complete opposite.

Sometimes I go back, and remember what we once had. How happy we were, how completely in love we were. I choose to not remember the bad times. The fights we had, how easily you chose your friends over me.

I just remember how convinced we were that we were meant for each other. Even up to a year after we broke up. We just thought that it wasn't the right time. That the time would come, we would grow up, and be together, complete.

But that time will never come. We were so young and dumb, how could we make such adult promises?

However, sometimes, I wish that you will remember me. Remember us, our good times, all the plans we made, dreams we had. I wonder what would happen if you ever came back to me. In my dreams, we are so happy. Completely, incandescently happy.

I cling on to these memories when I need a smile on my face wet with tears. It never really works.

Calm Like a Bomb

The days are long, but once it's over, and you actually look at it, you wonder where it went. It went by so fast. You realize that you could have gotten so much done, how you forgot to do a few things. But sometimes, you can't help but sit and stare at your computer screen and think about things. About people. About this upcoming weekend, and how you're dreading and hopeful for it all at the same time.

You play out every possible conversations that could happen. Trying to think about how you will react if someone brings some things up. Every possible scenario is played out. You totally got this.

But what if something unexpected happens? You can't know everything. Something different can be said.

What if people act weird? Some things are out in the open now, they can't be taken back. People drink, they say things that they shouldn't. Other people just like to cause some drama, because it's exciting to watch people  flounder about and flop.

Everything can change in a heartbeat. The people you hold dearest to you can disappear. Everything you've worked for can be gone. One word. One action. Everything. Gone.

What would you do if everything around you was about to come crumbling down?

Would you run away like a bitch?

Or would you stay and fight like a hero?

Ten seconds....

Settle Down

I have a horrible memory. Seriously, just horrible. I honestly sometimes forget what I did two days ago. So when it comes to me and drinking, it's even worse. I don't even have to get that drunk and have close to no recollection of what happened.

I'm going through one of those times right now. We drank on Sunday for the Superbowl, and I know that LB and I ended up having a heart to heart of some sort. I remember bits and pieces of what was said, but not the full thing.

I also remember going outside with his coworker and trying to explain to her that no, nothing was going on between us. I've just known him the longest out of everyone out of the group, that's how I met them all, and we have a connection. We talk to each other. That was awkward. So was the conversation about how we both like girls, because we don't necessarily focus on sex but the connection.

But what was said....

I do know that he let me steal his toque. I win!

Melt My Heart to Stone

We're standing around a table at the bar. A few of us are sitting, but the majority are standing, due to how small the table is. Split into mini groups, different conversations are going on all around. I'm trying to listen to all, I never want to miss a thing. I'm more of an observer. I keep looking from group to group, quietly sipping my Diet Coke and Captain Morgans, only saying something here and there, laughing when I catch something funny.

But when our eyes meet, I find it hard to concentrate on the conversations. I just feel his eyes looking into mine.  I wonder if he feels the same way. I always look away first, don't want him to know that I feel a spark where there may not be one. We're in our group. I'm the only girl part of it that's not a girlfriend. I'm just there, as if it's always been that way. They have all known each other since elementary school, and I know almost all of their inside jokes. What am I doing having feelings for one of them?

Maybe it was bound to happen. Everyone else outside of that group seems to think so. Everyone in the group knows that at least one of them has liked me, but nothing came of it. There was nothing there, he's my friend, and I could never see him as anything else.

Parts of me thinks that it must be that way with this one. We're friends, nothing could come of it. If we did try to date and it didn't work out, it would be awkward all around. I may have to find a new group, because it could get that weird.

But another part of me disagrees. Some of the best relationships start with good friends. Every time we drink together, we always end up in bed together. We never have sex, we just fool around. That's happened a few times over the past year, and it's been happening more often, a fact that he pointed out to our friends girlfriend, who told me. Why would he continue to make out with me if he felt nothing?

However, it could be just someone to fool around with. He could very well feel that way.

The saddest part is that I may never find out. I'm far too shy to say anything. So no matter what I feel, I'm just going to sit back quietly and act like everything is good and we're just friends who make out when drunk. If he decides to say anything, then okay. If he doesn't, that's okay, too.