Back to Black

During the beginning of this current pregnancy, I was so sick. I was sick numerous times a day, couldn't keep food down, let alone my medications. I was on two medications for my anxiety, which was also helping the depression I think I was hiding. Or maybe I just really didn't know about. Or maybe it has only come with age, shining through with each year that passes. 

Regardless, I ended up going off my medications because I was so sick. The pills were only making me even more sick. I was always such an advocate for taking my meds, claiming that I would be on them forever because they made me feel so much better. They gave me a new lease on life, I could live again. 

But here I am, 22 weeks into this pregnancy, riddled with anxiety and depression. I'm trying all the breathing exercises, and they help. But they are short term, nothing helps in the long term. 

Yesterday I thought "I don't want this baby" and I felt relieved to think it, and awful at the same time. I know that this is the time to talk to my friends, but I don't want to. And it's not that I'm afraid of their judgement, because I know that all of them would make me feel better in a heartbeat. Maybe that's why I don't want to tell them, because I don't want to feel better? Maybe I want to sit with this in my heart for a little. Having this baby terrifies me. We no longer have the money, the economy is going to shit, my husbands job isn't fulfilling their financial promises. I am so lucky that my work does a top up, so I will be making 80% of my salary, then with child tax we should be okay. I'm really hoping we get child tax. 

I'm also really hoping that my husband decides to talk to his boss. He hasn't gotten a raise in four years. Four years since he has gotten a raise. He hasn't gotten a bonus for all his work, and he's supposed to be getting profit shares 2 jobs ago. But he's getting nothing, and his bosses have taken the summer off to remodel their deck. They are at home doing absolutely nothing while my husband works so hard. 

I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling inadequate in life. I have wanted this baby for years, and I do really want this baby. I know that this baby will complete our family, ever since I decided I wanted children with my husband, I wanted a family. I wanted a big happy family, which we do have. We don't have much, but we are happy. 

I'm really drilling into my husband that he needs to talk to his work. His apprentice got a raise. Granted, his apprentice is the boss' son. But still, someone got a raise, why doesn't he? He wanted to go golfing yesterday, and I told him that he couldn't, because we weren't allowed any more fun this month. We have too much to pay for, we no longer get to go out and have fun. I'm even going to try and cook absolutely everything, no more take out. We usually like to get take out once a week. We used to be able to afford it numerous times a week. 

This is a tight month. My anxiety is wild. My depression is out of control. I could lay in bed and do nothing for hours, all day. 

Silver Springs

2 days until I'm 5 months pregnant. 

I want to say "how did I get here?", but honestly, it's been a long road. A road filled with sadness, anxiety, fear, wonder, doubt, depression, hope. So many emotions, all felt completely and wholly as I'm off my anxiety medications. 

Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday that I was crying in the hospital learning that my baby had no heartbeat. That my husband found me sobbing uncontrollably in the garage all by myself. That I felt like I was completely and utterly alone in this world after two of my 'friends' told me that they were upset with me because I didn't talk to them about my miscarriage. 

But yet here I am. 2 days until I'm 5 months pregnant. 

I have all the feelings that are absolutely terrifying, and at the same time I feel completely numb. I still go through bouts of depression, bouts of not wanting to be here. Not bad enough that I would actually do anything about it, more of a "woes me, life is terrible and I just want to stare at the wall" type of thing. Which I do quite often. More often than not, lately. I'm tired and exhausted, the heat is killing me, I have no motivation to do anything. I barely want to work. The days go by incredibly slow because I want to do NOTHING and I have the energy to do NOTHING. 

But my son told me today that I am the best mommy in the world because I take time off of work to give him snuggles. My almost 9 year old son still wants to snuggle with me, and I am not willing to give that up for anything. I know that my husband is excited for a new baby because our son won't snuggle with him anymore, and it breaks his tiny heart. 

And that gives me light and happiness. It does something to me. It sparks a little love in my heart and makes me want to smile. I laugh lately, but even my laughs feel empty. 

In 2 days we are going for our big anatomy ultrasound, and we're going to find out the gender of the baby. I hope that will help perk up my spirits, because I'm getting so tired of living this way. I wonder if people can tell the difference with me. I'm often told that people can't even tell when I'm having an anxiety attack, because I hide it so well. I hate that I hide it so well. No one ever knows how I'm truly feeling. 

Wondering Why

The past few weeks have been horrible. How else to explain this? Sometimes I am just living my life, doing the things that I have always done. But then sometimes I'll just stop, and I'm stuck. Stuck in the middle of living and dead. I just sit there, staring off into nothing. I know what I'm doing, I know that I'm doing nothing. But I don't want to do anything. I want to do nothing. I just want to sit and stare and not live. 

I don't want to live sometimes. That's the brutal honest truth. I don't want to. There is so much pain in life, every day, every where I look. So much pain, so much heartache. I break down sobbing at least once a day, and believe me when I say that I can break down crying at a moments notice. Nothing will set me off, just the bleak reminder that I no longer have a baby. I will be picking up groceries, sweeping the floor, cooking dinner, sending an email, and BAM. The reality kicks me hard in the gut and breaks me. 

I no longer have a baby. I do not have my baby in my belly anymore. My baby did not get to grow into a baby, into a toddler, child, teen, adult. The baby I have been wanting for years, the baby I have already cried over for years of never having; now I definitely won't. The baby is officially gone. And it's no ones fault, no one did anything, I didn't do anything. It just is. It just happened. Now I just live with the memory of being pregnant. I'm still processing the miscarriage, physically and emotionally. I still have a reminder every day that I lost the baby; no one tells you that, that a miscarriage can take 7-11 days to clear out. All of this is bullshit. Utter bullshit. 

People reach out to me and want to talk to me about it; but I don't want to talk about it. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt, the lowest I have ever been, and there have been some low fucking points. Nothing compares to this feeling of helplessness. I do not want to make small talk with people I do not care about. I do not care to hear about some people's day; I don't care about you. You are meaningless to me, so meaningless that I cannot be bothered with conversing with you and pretending like I care about the stupid miniscule things you want to complain about. 

I am a shell of the person I once was, a part of me is now gone. 

Die with a Smile

 After years of asking and hoping and talking, we decided that I would go off of birth control and see what happens. Years of wishing he would change his mind, finally it happened. We were nervous as hell, but so excited that we were going to be parents again. 

We have two kids. One 15 year old boy, from his previous relationship, and an 8 year old boy. We love them, we have such a full life, filled with so much love. We also have two dogs. We are so blessed in love in our lives. We love each other so much, we complete each other; I am generally a happier person when I see him, when I can touch him. Our boys love us so much, they know what it feels like to be loved and wanted. Our oldest loves our house so much that he chose to live with us full time. 

I went for my dating ultrasound, knowing that this child was coming into the best house possible. Everyone in this house was excited for their arrival. Then the tech told me that I needed to talk to a doctor about my results. I didn't get a picture, I didn't get to see the peanut on the screen. I was 9 and a half weeks pregnant! Give me my picture. So I waited. And waited. And waited. The ER was busy that day, but I needed to talk to a doctor. I asked the nurses if it was necessary; was this just a precaution? They looked nervous as they looked at my file, and told me I needed to speak to a doctor. 

I wish I never spoke to that doctor. He ripped the hope out of my heart, and then tried to give it back. He told me that my "factory" of a body was pushing out what wasn't right. Even though that baby felt so right with me, it wasn't. My levels were high, maybe they were wrong? They had to be wrong. My baby was fine. My baby was snug and cozy in my belly, all safe and sound. 

But two days later, and my numbers have dropped. I went for bloodwork, and I was sitting there, already broken, when my doctors office called. They want to discuss my results. The results that I saw online, the results that showed that my numbers were going down. Fast. The tears wouldn't stopped, they still won't. The tears fall down my cheeks, and I can't stop them. I am not in control of anything in life. I will never hold this baby in my arms, and I have no control over that. 

I have no control of anything. I am just here. I am not fine. I am not happy. And I do not want to talk to anyone. I wish I could call my husband, but why would I bother him with this at work? There's nothing he can do. There's nothing I can do. Now we just wait for it to pass. It's a waiting game. 

We have a full and happy life. That unfortunately does not stop just because the baby's life did. My baby will never come into the world. And I just don't know how to handle that.