Wondering Why

The past few weeks have been horrible. How else to explain this? Sometimes I am just living my life, doing the things that I have always done. But then sometimes I'll just stop, and I'm stuck. Stuck in the middle of living and dead. I just sit there, staring off into nothing. I know what I'm doing, I know that I'm doing nothing. But I don't want to do anything. I want to do nothing. I just want to sit and stare and not live. 

I don't want to live sometimes. That's the brutal honest truth. I don't want to. There is so much pain in life, every day, every where I look. So much pain, so much heartache. I break down sobbing at least once a day, and believe me when I say that I can break down crying at a moments notice. Nothing will set me off, just the bleak reminder that I no longer have a baby. I will be picking up groceries, sweeping the floor, cooking dinner, sending an email, and BAM. The reality kicks me hard in the gut and breaks me. 

I no longer have a baby. I do not have my baby in my belly anymore. My baby did not get to grow into a baby, into a toddler, child, teen, adult. The baby I have been wanting for years, the baby I have already cried over for years of never having; now I definitely won't. The baby is officially gone. And it's no ones fault, no one did anything, I didn't do anything. It just is. It just happened. Now I just live with the memory of being pregnant. I'm still processing the miscarriage, physically and emotionally. I still have a reminder every day that I lost the baby; no one tells you that, that a miscarriage can take 7-11 days to clear out. All of this is bullshit. Utter bullshit. 

People reach out to me and want to talk to me about it; but I don't want to talk about it. This is the worst feeling I have ever felt, the lowest I have ever been, and there have been some low fucking points. Nothing compares to this feeling of helplessness. I do not want to make small talk with people I do not care about. I do not care to hear about some people's day; I don't care about you. You are meaningless to me, so meaningless that I cannot be bothered with conversing with you and pretending like I care about the stupid miniscule things you want to complain about. 

I am a shell of the person I once was, a part of me is now gone.