Silver Springs

2 days until I'm 5 months pregnant. 

I want to say "how did I get here?", but honestly, it's been a long road. A road filled with sadness, anxiety, fear, wonder, doubt, depression, hope. So many emotions, all felt completely and wholly as I'm off my anxiety medications. 

Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday that I was crying in the hospital learning that my baby had no heartbeat. That my husband found me sobbing uncontrollably in the garage all by myself. That I felt like I was completely and utterly alone in this world after two of my 'friends' told me that they were upset with me because I didn't talk to them about my miscarriage. 

But yet here I am. 2 days until I'm 5 months pregnant. 

I have all the feelings that are absolutely terrifying, and at the same time I feel completely numb. I still go through bouts of depression, bouts of not wanting to be here. Not bad enough that I would actually do anything about it, more of a "woes me, life is terrible and I just want to stare at the wall" type of thing. Which I do quite often. More often than not, lately. I'm tired and exhausted, the heat is killing me, I have no motivation to do anything. I barely want to work. The days go by incredibly slow because I want to do NOTHING and I have the energy to do NOTHING. 

But my son told me today that I am the best mommy in the world because I take time off of work to give him snuggles. My almost 9 year old son still wants to snuggle with me, and I am not willing to give that up for anything. I know that my husband is excited for a new baby because our son won't snuggle with him anymore, and it breaks his tiny heart. 

And that gives me light and happiness. It does something to me. It sparks a little love in my heart and makes me want to smile. I laugh lately, but even my laughs feel empty. 

In 2 days we are going for our big anatomy ultrasound, and we're going to find out the gender of the baby. I hope that will help perk up my spirits, because I'm getting so tired of living this way. I wonder if people can tell the difference with me. I'm often told that people can't even tell when I'm having an anxiety attack, because I hide it so well. I hate that I hide it so well. No one ever knows how I'm truly feeling.