I haven't written here for so long. I always mean to come here and write something, but I never feel as if I have anything important to say. Nothing important or interesting happens in my life. I can't turn anything into some witty post.
I went out with my friends and got too drunk, made out with one and woke up in bed with him, and couldn't find my shirt. We just fooled around, because I can't bring myself to have sex with someone I'm not in love with.
Every day I go to work, and I come home, to where I live with my cousin. We don't generally hang out together, because we both seem to be very boring. Sometimes I'm okay with it. Sometimes I want to talk. It's nice to know that she's there, but I don't want to bother her. She's in her room for a reason, right?
Tonight is one of those nights when I just want to talk. I want to share my somewhat irrational fears with someone. No matter what they say, it's not going to go away, so I just want someone to listen to me. Here is a place where I can vent, and no one says anything.
On Sunday, I had what I (and some others) am referring to as an episode. I was laying down on my stomach, doing homework with a friend, I went to go say something to her, and got dizzy. I don't even know if dizzy is the right word for it. I moved my head, and the world moved as well. I kept trying, and it would move right with me. It wasn't constantly spinning. My friend asked what was wrong, but I couldn't find the words. I knew what I wanted to say, but I just couldn't say them. I somehow got onto my back, and I laid there for what seemed like an hour, but was only 10 minutes, of barely being able to move and talk. I was twitching and shaking, but had problems moving voluntary. I didn't feel like I was in control of my own body, in a way. I was there, but I wasn't running the show. The next hour was weird. I couldn't even smile or laugh when I was able to talk. I was so scared, and tears were streaming down my face.
I went to the doctor the next day, a walk in clinic I like to go to when things get weird. I haven't been there since January, when they sent me for blood work. They never called me in regarding the results, so I figured every thing was all good. He didn't think it was anything serious, but he sent me for blood work just as a precaution. He thinks I just pinched a nerve in my neck. After he sent me on my way, he told me to come back in two weeks. The next day, I went for the tests. Today, the office called me and told me they got my results and want me to come in to discuss the results, but he's not in again until Friday morning.
I always thought that no news was good news. They usually only call when something is wrong. And now I just have this fear that something is wrong. It's an irrational fear, I probably just have an iron deficiency. But I'm still scared.
I don't want to be scared. It's probably nothing. Some iron pills. So what. So why do I still have this feeling in my gut that something is wrong?
