I want to be that girl who has lots of friends. Who has a big group of friends, and they go out and party. When people think of me, they say, "She knows how to have a good time." I don't know why I want to be that girl, why I try so hard to be someone who I'm not.
The person I am is a homebody. I love sitting at home, watching tv shows or reading a book. It's just who I am. It's who I've always been, I'm guessing who I'll always be. There's no reason why I shouldn't be happy with it.
I generally don't need a lot of approval from people, for the most part I am happy with myself. But there's just those low points, those times where I just feel like sometimes there's no point, that this path is leading me nowhere, and I need a new path.
Maybe I'm just lonely. I have great friends all around, but I want that closeness with someone. I saw the cable guy yesterday, and it's been four months since I've had sex. The last time was with him. He has a girlfriend, and maybe they're happy, I don't know. He was scruffy with his playoff beard, and he had been riding all day. But I still thought he was so sexy. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him, why I crave him so deeply. He gave me a hug goodbye, and he lingered for a fraction of a second, our lips so close. And I wanted him so bad. I just wanted him to hold me, to cuddle me, and kiss me.
I want to be extraordinary. Maybe I am, I just can't see it. I really wish I could see it.
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