Fireworks

When I think back at my past, my teenage years, I can't help but feel some regret. I know that I shouldn't, that what I did then helped me to become the person that I am today.

But what if I'm not completely happy with the person that I am today? What if I wish that I was someone else?

Most of the people in my life think that I'm always happy. I'm just the happy bubbly girl that rarely gets mad or sad, because even when I say that I am, I say it with kind of a smile. But the truth is, I've been hiding who I really am for so long that I don't know how to just be natural sometimes.

My whole life I've been on the move. Always moving because we were getting evicted from yet another place. But each time I got used to the place where I was. I called it home, tried to make new friends and be happy. With each time it happened, it got harder and harder. I found myself always smiling, because who wouldn't want to be friends with someone who's happy? No one wants to be friends with someone who is constantly sad, that's for sure. So why not be the opposite?

However, when you're always nice and friendly and giving, there will be those people who sniff you out and use you. Because you won't get mad at them for it. You're a happy person who doesn't want to make enemies. But each time someone used me, a small part of me would inactivate itself. Each time that someone used my words, my feelings, against me, a small part of me would inactivate itself.

Soon, my self esteem was basically nothing. I had no true friends. I had guys that would just be with me in hopes of sleeping with me. I was just a toy to people, I no longer felt like a human being. But I just went on being constantly happy and smiling. I didn't want them to know that they were getting to me. Why make enemies? Who knows how long I would even be there? I just wanted friends, even if they weren't real, if they were just using me, because it was better than nothing.

That's how I got used to people treating me like crap, and why I just took it. It was better than nothing, everyone treated me like crap. Isn't that how friendships go? Bad talking behind their backs, using them for one thing or another?

When I guy would ask me out, I would say yes, of course. Even if I knew that they just wanted one thing, I would go for the date. I wouldn't give them what they truly wanted, I didn't let them woo me, which would make them mad at the end, but for that small amount of time, I would feel like someone wanted to be with me. I got the feeling that I was worth something, and that someone could fall in love with me.

But they didn't want to be with me, and they didn't fall in love with me. As soon as they realized that they weren't getting the invite to my bed, they would be gone, on the search for another girl with low self esteem that would fall for their trickery.

I didn't know how to be myself with people, not fully. I wasn't sure if I'd ever get there. I'm always afraid that the person is just using me, that if I talk to them and tell them my thoughts and feelings, they will just use that against me. Afraid that as soon as I actually fall for a boy that is flirting with me, he will turn around and laugh with his friends at me, because it was all a bet.

But I've met these new people. Slowly, I think that I'm coming out of my shell, I'm showing them who I am. I'm not worried about them judging me or even using me. What could they be using me for, really? My whole life I have wanted friends that are always there for you, that are just always there. I have these three friends, and they are. We talk constantly, and it's amazing that we always have stuff to talk about. Whether it's talking about our day or the weather, or maybe hopes and dreams for the future and our feelings. One thing that bothers me is that two of them are guys, and people are always wondering why we're not dating. Specifically one of them, Pilot. We hang out every Thursday, it's our play dayt day. We usually also hang out on the weekends as well, and he takes me grocery shopping, since I don't have a car. I met one of his co-workers at a party last night, and he told me that he has heard a lot about me. I'm fine with that, I tell my co-workers all about him and Hermy. He ended up saying to Pilot, “Why aren't you two dating?” That just bothers both of us so much. Just because a guy and a girl are friends, why do people have to assume that they're going to date? Pilot and I.... we're just a pair. We both have stomach problems, we're a lot alike personality wise as well, so we just get each other. He acts as my 'adult' at parties, and he will always make sure that me and my boo get home safely and that we're fine.

While we were hanging out today, having a Star Wars marathon, he said, “The thing is, when a guy and a girl are friends, at least one person is going to get feelings for the other at one point. The problem is that they usually think that they need to act on those feelings. But it's all about knowing when you should and when you shouldn't. I don't act on those feelings, and I'm not going to.” And he's right. At one point I had feelings for Hermy, I also had feelings for Pilot. But those two boys... I would never want to risk losing them. Hermy and I always have such a blast when we're together, especially when alcohol is involved. Pilot and I just get along so well, he's my go to person, he understands me so well.

At the party last night, I was really tired so I went to go and lay on the couch. Pilot sat beside me, so I curled up to him. He gave me his jacket for a blanket. Then on the ride home, he let me lay my head on his lap while he was driving so I could sleep a little. He was rubbing my back, playing with my hair, and had his hand rested on my side. At no point did I feel uncomfortable. He didn't try and put a move on me at all, he never does. He makes sure that I get up to my house safe, hands me a Gatorade and tells me to go to bed.

Before, I would assume that he was waiting to make a move, that he just wanted to get me drunk so that he could take advantage of me. But now, I don't feel that way. He looks out for me at parties, makes sure that no guy is making me feel awkward or touching me inappropriately, and I do the same for him. Not to the point where we are cock-blocking, we just kind of know. I'm finally learning how to trust again, and it's just so nice. This doesn't mean that I'm going to trust just anyone, but I'm learning how to choose my friends more wisely.

It's about time.