Come What May

How do you know when it's time to back off? When it's time to admit defeat, wave the white flag, know that you did your best? How do you walk away from someone that you have feelings for, and have for three years? Everyone questions why I'm there, my friends and his. Everyone says that he likes me, but he doesn't do anything about it.

When I'm laying next to him, I'm happy. I like the cuddles. I like his company. We're comfortable in the fact that he can sit on the couch playing his video games, and I can have my legs over him and just read my book. I love when you don't even have to talk to someone, you can just be. Of course, he'll look over at me and give me a weird look when I start giggling.

I spent the entire weekend with him. We had a lot of fun. On Sunday, him and a bunch of his friends were going downtown early in the morning to get a seat at a pub for the game. They invited me, and I agreed. Even though I'm totally paying for it, because my friend wanted me to watch it at her place, but then I went with the huge gongshow instead. I still stand by my decision.

So, it turns out that one of his friends really likes me. He's met me a few times before, and L told him to go for it. He encouraged him to try and date me. I don't know why he would do this. Ugh, guys are so dumb. This one is the leader, I swear.

And he's cute, too. He's so nice, funny. He held my hand, and I thought it was super adorable. And L says that he's fine with it. Whatevs, if you're fine with it, then I'm happy, I'll go for it. Then he tells me that he took me out to introduce me to more people, venture out, and that if it doesn't work with this guy and me, it would be awkward to invite me out again. I completely understand this, it makes perfect sense.

But why couldn't he say something along the lines of, "No, it would be awkward since we have history." That's all I'm asking for. I just want to think that maybe he cares about me a little bit. But ... it seems as if he doesn't.

How do you know when it's time to give up and move on? I've been doing this for too long. He just throws me away and reels me back in, and I just keep on letting him do it. Because I have feelings for him. I hate feelings.

But I can't walk away. I can't be the one to do it.