Community Property

Trusting other people has always been a problem for me. I'm bad at 'reading' people, I don't get that sense if a person is good or bad. My friends always laugh at me because I never realize that a guy likes me and is asking me out. I always just assume that they just want to hang out. Even when they tell me that it's clearly a date, I say that we're just hanging out.

Trusting myself has always been a problem, as well. I never really know what my true feelings are, I don't know what I really want.

I think that I want L. I still think about him. But I'm never sure if I want him or the sex, or if I just want him because he's so unattainable. I can't have him, therefore I want him.

I've been hanging out with my ex a lot lately. We're friends, or so I thought. He wants me back, and he wants me back bad. He sent me flowers at work since I was having a bad week, and they totally brightened up my week. He said that he doesn't want to rush me into anything, and he doesn't expect to get back together with me right now. He's willing to wait, however long that may take. Which straight up baffles me, because he's willing to wait years. I have no idea if I want to get back together with him.

Sometimes when we're together, or when we're talking, I want to be with him. I want to just hug him, I want him to hold me, I want to lift my head and kiss him. Just to see what it would feel like, to see if that spark is still there.

But then again... I'll start thinking of L. I think of how easy it is for me to cuddle with him, to just lay there with him. I don't feel awkward at all, as I sometimes do with my ex. I think of his muscular arms holds me, while I run my fingers through his thick curly hair.

So all I can think of right now is ... Do I want to be with my ex because I still love him, or do I want to be with him because he's offering me everything, a life together?

I want to be back in a relationship with my ex at times. At others... I just have a feeling that he will not completely satisfy me. He doesn't complete me. But he's safe. I know that he loves me with his entire heart and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But there is still that voice in the back of my head that wants more love than that. A more complete love. I don't love him as much as he loves me. I know that I could, because I did at one point.

But is he what I want?