Bat Out of Hell

People are supposed to evolve. Learn from their mistakes. I don't seem to. I never do.

I always fall for idiotic men.

And the one that has been stuck in my life for just over three years needs to leave. I need to learn from that big mistake. I need to move on somehow. I may have just found the reason, the motivation.

I haven't seen L in over a month. We've barely talked since he started seeing some girl. Which proves that no, we are not friends. We are just fuck buddies. We can't even talk to each other when we're dating someone else. That isn't a friendship.

But we were talking yesterday, and he said that maybe he'll pop by before his hockey game, after dinner. After having a horrible day, no, month at work, I decided, what the fuck. I need a little attention. Getting later, he sends me a text saying that he will not be stopping by before, but maybe he will after his hockey game. I say sure, send me a text, maybe I'll be awake.

I knew that I would be awake. Usually, it would have been long past my bedtime, but I wanted to see him. I wanted to kiss him and cuddle him and get from him that I can't get from anyone else since I'm single and have a fear of commitment so I want to stay that way. So I stayed up and watched Entourage. He messaged me just as I was finished. I didn't think he was going to come over, so I went on to bed, still messaging him.

Then he told me he was downstairs. Now, when I'm at home, especially in the summer, I like to try and stick to my "no pants" rule. I'm pretty good at it. But he never parks at the front, where my buzzer is, so I always have to walk down to the back and let him in. I don't even know if he's allowed to park there, but oh well. I've never had a complaint. So, on went the damn pants.

So he comes in, we lay on the couch, opposite of each other, for awhile until he decides that he wants to have a shower. He comes back, we chat for a bit longer until I ask him if he's going to be spending the night or not, seeing as how it's almost midnight and we are both yawning every ten minutes. He was sitting in the middle of the couch, just staring down at me while I lay there, and I was getting uncomfortable with the way that he just looks at me, so I pulled him down to cuddle with me. We lay there for a while, and he made a comment about how it was taking him so long to respond, when usually one of us just jumps the other. He finally made the decision to stay, so we went on to my bedroom. We lay there cuddling, and he realized, for the first time in three years, that I sleep on my stomach. He thought that he was the only one, and he never realized. We lay there facing each other for awhile, not touching, until he pulled me close and spun me around to snuggle. It was hot and I wasn't comfortable, so I was squirming my way around. I ended up in the position of facing him and snuggling. He started rubbing my back, a little bit of massaging, for a while. He was running his fingers up my arm, past my shoulder, down my side along my curves, past my ass and along my thighs, then go back where he came from. He was running his fingers up my back, slowly, then when he went to go run his fingers through my hair, I was done for.

I tilted my head up, and it was over. We were kissing, touching, everything I said that I wouldn't do with him again, but I have no restraint. I can't hold myself back from him, he's my poison. After it was all over, which didn't take long, we were just laying there cuddling. He mentioned how he hasn't had sex with anyone since me, but I don't know if I believe that or not. It was very nice.

Then.

He muttered, "oh crap!", and I asked what was wrong. Turns out that he was supposed to check on something before he went to hockey, but he completely forgot about it. He needed to get to it, or else at 6 he would be getting a lot of calls. He said that he had to go home. I said to him, "If you leave now, I'm going to be so pissed. I'll feel so used." He replied, "Yeah, I haven't seen you in awhile. I guess it does look kind of bad if I leave. But it's not like that. I wanted to see you, I just forgot about this. We didn't plan this through."

He ended up leaving. Yes, I know that we are all about sex. But this? This is just so greasy. I can't believe he did that. Came to my house, took one of my smokes, used my shower, used my vagina, then he was on his way home. I'm humiliated and embarrassed. I never thought that he would do that to me. I mean, I figured that he didn't care, but I honestly didn't think it was that much.

And I really can't believe that I just keep falling for his crap over and over again, and I know that I'll probably do it again.

"Everyone's known someone that they just can't help but want;
And even though we just can't make it work out, well the want-to lingers on.
So once again we wind up in each others arms, pretending that it's right,
And I may hate myself in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight."