Grapevine Fires

While I sit at my window and watch the rain come pouring down, I want to cry with the clouds. Cry over what, I don't exactly know.

I sit in my apartment day after day, avoiding human contact, in a way. Guys talk to me and want to take me out on dates, and I agree to them. But when the day comes I do and say whatever I can to get out of it. I find the smallest thing wrong with them and, in a way, blow it out of proportion. They want to cuddle me, kiss me, and I back away. They want to be affectionate and it turns me off.

About a month ago I was seeing someone and we had a date plan, but I had to cancel a few days in advance when I found out that it was my friends birthday. He seemed a bit upset, making me feel guilty, so I asked him if he wanted to come with me, which made him happy. Another friend of mine came with me, and I didn't want to make her feel like the third wheel. So when this guy was trying to kiss me, I pulled away. Of course, that bruised his ego, making him pull away from me. Once this happened I was completely bored of him. I did everything I could to avoid him, to run away from him. He kept finding me, buying me shots and drinks. I remembered that he had left his car at my house, parking it there and then coming downtown to meet up with us at the bar. I hoped that he would just go back to my house and drive home, but I had no such luck. He found us at the end of the night, drunk out of his mind. My friend that came with me also lives two blocks away from me, so we all went home together. She told me she was worried for my safety the next day. I'm small girl, standing at 5'0 and weighing little over 100lbs. He was 5'9 and worked out five days a week.

When we got back to my house, he wanted to make out, and I was fine with that. I had already told him that I wasn't going to have sex with him, I'm not like that. I don't have sex with someone unless I'm in a relationship with them. Well, most of the time. One person is an exception, which I really do need to stop because it's only hurting my soul and not who I am.

But then he got on top of me. In between my legs. Held both of my arms down with one hand. It went on for awhile, my pleas of 'no' went unheard, and I almost didn't stop him. I finally somehow got my legs together in front of him and gave him a look, with tears in my eyes, then he finally heard me. I haven't been that scared in a long time. I've had a few close encounters before and I hope that I never have one again.

How do you trust someone? I met this guy through a friend and I thought he was safe. I had no idea what he was like, and my friend told me a few weeks later that he was into freaky stuff so he probably thought that I liked it, too. I told my friend that I was scared shitless and because of that experience I don't want to feel another man touch me, and she defends him.

Is that what I want to cry about? The close encounter? The friend that ignores my feelings and defends her friend?

Partly.

These days, I just don't feel like I'm living. Instead, I'm just here. I go to work and come home. I hear people I know talk about going out and partying, having a good time. Even just hanging out with their significant other at home. I'm jealous. I don't understand how girls can go out and party. During the summer I went out to a club and got drugged. How can you trust that no one with drug and/or take advantage of you? How do girls find someone that they can trust enough to become monogamous with?

I have been raped, taken advantage of, lied to, everything. Trust is a huge issue for me. I just fear that I'm never going to be able to get rid of it. I can't talk to friends, they either don't listen or don't want to listen. Talking is a huge issue for me.

I don't think I will get over it. Instead, I'll just sit here in my apartment where I live alone and stare out the window, crying with the clouds.