White Horse

On Friday, I met a cousin for the first time. She was pretty cool. She was fun and really nice.

We ended up drinking at my place on Saturday. For the first time in a week, I was staying at my place with my ex. I miss him so much that it makes me angry.

I hate how everyone tells me that I'm "being so strong about all of this". It makes me so angry. I'm not taking this well at all. I'm avoiding my home because I don't want to see him, and when we're alone, it's just awkward. I got drunk on Saturday, so did he, and we ended up having a heart to heart. He knows that I miss him, and he misses me, too. I want to try and work things out, because I just want him in my life. Maybe I'll feel differently once we're not living together.

I'm reminded of a song by Feist, Let It Die, when she sings, "The hardest part/Of a broken heart/Isn't the ending/So much as the start". And it's so true. All I can do is just keep going back to the beginning. But it's not even the beginning. It's just stuff that happened a few days before we broke up.

I honestly think that N had a lot to do with my break up. She always seems to be. She's been bad mouthing him for a long time, trying to get me to move in with her .... And now I am. We are to be moving out with each other. I think she was just poisoning my mind. When I'm away from her, I just want him. Even when I am with her, I just want him. I think about him ALL the time. It's starting to drive me insane. And now I have to go home to him.

I have to start sleeping on the couch. He didn't tell me that I have to, I just think that it may be for the best. How can I even think that I can do this? I can't live with him. I just want to be with him every time I see him.

We went grocery shopping yesterday, and that was the most painful thing. We used to have so much fun grocery shopping. Sometimes he would push me in the shopping cart. Sometimes, I would be pushing the cart, and he would come up behind me, and push the cart with me, kissing my neck as we walked around. We were the gross couple that everyone hated to look at. Now, we are nothing.
We are nothing. Wow, that was more painful to write that I thought it would be.
Yes, we may be friends, but that's nothing serious. Who knows how long we will stay friends for. As soon as we're not living together, he'll probably never speak to me again.

Truth be told, I think that I'm staying there longer to maybe show to him that we could work again. I know, I broke up with him, wtf? But, he told me that he would never date the same girl twice. I want to be the girl that he'll be different for. Since we've broken up, he's opened up to me so much. On the other hand, he was drunk.
Why am I trying to convince the guy that I broke up with that we could work, and he's convincing me that we can't?
Last night while we were in bed going to sleep, his hand was next to mine. I think he wanted to grab it, but he wouldn't. I wish that he had.

I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale ...