Heart of Steel

For the past two weekends in a row, I've just fucking partied. I went out to bars, clubs, house parties, danced and drank. I even took shots. I had the time of my life!
Even this last weekend, when my boyfriend got home early from a work trip, and I was out with my best friend (referred to as N), whom he hates, and my ex "buddy"(hereby referred to as L), whom he also hates. I think he was quite mad. For the past year, I've been a homebody. I haven't been going out with my friends, I just go home to my boyfriend. And only once he went away for two weeks did I truly realize this.
Let's just say, I am the luckiest girl, because my best friend is still right there beside me, ready to go out and party because I have finally come out of hibernation. It's just not a good thing that N is now "seeing" my L's friend, hereby referred to as B, so now she's with him a lot. So it's kind of like it's the four of us. I don't mind it. They are both great guys, and even though we have that past sexual history, it's not that awkward. Throughout the whole thing, he always said about how he just wanted to be friends, I was the one who got the feelings, haha. I'm such a woman. But after it ended, and I started dating my boy, we remained friends, as weird as people thought that it was.
Whenever me and my boy are on the rocks, L can somehow just sense it. He just knows. He gets me to talk about my feelings, I let it all out, then I usually feel a little bit better about my relationship. I'm never sure if I actually feel better about it, or if I just do it in spite of him. I want to show him about how I can be in relationship, and what a great girlfriend I am, etc. Well, I kind of failed at that, seeing as how I cheated on my boy with him. The horrible thing about it all? I don't even feel that bad about it. I know, I totally should. I live with my boyfriend, we've been together for a little while. I should totally feel bad. My friend is telling me that if we do break up, I should move in with her. We'll live at her mom's, then we'll move.
Now, I'm thinking that it's probably best if maybe I do break up with my boyfriend. I feel so distant from him lately, and it's totally all me. He just wants to cuddle me, and help me feel better (I've been really sick lately), and just ... be there for me. But I'm just so ... "get away from me, I want to be alone. No I don't want to cuddle. No I don't want kisses." I feel horrible.
I have a big bookcase. Another one of my stupid worries. Why am I worrying about getting my books out of the house if I move more than the actual leaving of my house? I think I may just be thinking about everything but the feelings part of this. I hate thinking about feelings. Ugh, how I long to be single, and just be able to do whatever I want, no feelings involved at all, no feelings to consider. Just go out and be the single, fun loving girl.
My friend told me that I was uptight and angry. Ugh, the boy that I love makes me uptight and angry. I used to be so much fun. I seriously don't know what to do!

And now that I've cheated with him, L probably has lost all respect for me (if he even had any to begin with), and I've lost all hope of being buddies with him again when I do become single again.

Btw, I say "when" because I think I know that this relationship can't be something I'm in forever. I just don't know if I can see it that way. Plus, can I really go my whole life with this guy and not tell him that I cheated on him? With L? Because as soon as he knows, he's gone.

I think I need to end this for my ulcers sake.

I used to think he was so cute when he wanted kisses and cuddles. Now, I'm just kind of annoyed. It's more like, "Hurry up and kiss me so I can go to bed, and stop making those faces at me. K thanks."