My Heart Will Go On

So we broke up last night.

I know, I know, I've been talking about this for days. I've been talking about it for weeks, actually. I just hate that it's actually over. I've put up the white flag, admitted defeat, and cried like a little baby. I still want to cry like a little baby.

I just love that boy. I thought that he might have been the one. I thought that I could spend my life with him. I still want to forget about everything and just go back to him. Not that he would take me back, because one of his rules of life is, "Never date a girl twice". Which, I guess, is kind of smart. But, what if it's true love?

I can't go back to him. I need communication in a relationship. I want to know that the person I'm with wants to, one day, eventually, get married. I'm not saying now, but one day. He hates the thought of marriage, the idea of marriage. "Why would I want to spend all that money, just to sign a piece of paper that states that if we ever break up, you get half my shit?" That's how he sees it. Good for him. I just want that special day of us showing everyone we know and love that we are completely devoted to each other. I know that you don't need the marriage for that, but I still want it, I don't care.

He said to me that he would try and get his feelings out. But he's been trying for 24 years, and he hasn't been able to so far. If he's going to change himself, I want him to do it for himself, not because he's losing me. I would feel horrible. He needs to change because he wants to, not because I want him to. "I want to make sure you have good dinners." Always so worried about my eating. I cried so hard when he said that. For the first time in our relationship, I saw a glimpse of his emotions, and it broke my heart. I wish that I could be happy with him forever, knowing the way that he is. But I don't think I ever could be. Even if I could get past the whole marriage and kids thing, I don't think he could ever open up to me the way that I want him to. He couldn't ever listen to me the way that I need to be listened to.

He's the cutest boy ever. Always sending me little "<3!" texts, the way he pouts at me, the way that he kisses my pouts until they go away. He's insensitive, yes, but at times he wasn't.

I know that this is for the best, and, as everyone keeps saying (even him), "You'll get over this. You'll be okay."

I seriously hate it when people say that. Yes, I know that I will continue living even without him there beside me to kiss, hug, and cuddle me. Yes, I know that eventually these feelings will go away, and I'll be happy again. Maybe I'll even find someone new one day. But until then? I'm going to be fucking hurt. I'm going to be sad because I can't be with the man I love. The man that I love is incompatible with me. Does everyone expect me to be hunky-fucking-dory about all of this?

Break up sex is good. Until afterwards, when you realize that it was the last time.

Moving out is going to be so difficult.

I wish he didn't lose his job last week. That makes me feel even worse. I wish I could have just held it in a little longer. I wish that I could have talked about this before. But, then that would have led to an earlier breakup. Maybe that would have been better? Now I'm too attached?

I hate relationships and feelings. Maybe I should just go and fuck around with some guys. Maybe some girls.

I can't wait to move out and get into a drunken stupor so I can forget all about this.