Knock Em Out

Tonight is the first night that I've been completely alone since the breakup. I don't know how it feels. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I've been so strong around everyone else, minus a few little break downs in front of N. I do just want to be sad, but I don't really know how. All I can do is think... logically. Is it really logical for me to be sad? it was the right thing for me to do in the long run. It's not like there's any chance of us getting back together. So why be sad? I did it for a reason. I wasn't completely happy. Hence why the cheating happened.
Maybe I'm just lonely. I'm so used to just someone being here with me. Now I have no one. I have N, but I can't be around her all the time. I don't want to get sick of her, I love her. She's my best friend. I have other guy friends, but they are just awkward to be around. Two of my guy friends are just creepy. I admit that, yes, I have fucking creepy friends. But I can't get rid of them. Maybe because I find it funny. Maybe because I like the attention. I don't even know anymore. One of them I think I'm just stuck with for life. No matter how many times I get mad at him, we always end up talking again.
I still have feelings for L. I hate it. I was trying to get his attention on MSN, and someone started talking to me, and my stomach fluttered because I thought it was him. It wasn't. I hate how I have feelings for him. B blatantly told me that he didn't give two shits about me. But his friends and action tell me two completely different stories.
I was at his house the other night. I was just laying on the couch, and he stood up, told me to lift up my arm, so I did. He picked me up. I was like, "Uhhh.. What the fuck are you doing?" He said, "Nothing, I just wanted to pick you up." He does that all the time, I seriously don't get it. I think he likes that I'm so small, it makes him feel all strong and manly to pick me up, haha. Later he ended up picking me up and carrying me to his bed so we could have a "nap". He started kissing me. I knew he was going to. "I knew all you wanted to do was have sex with me." His response? "I was just wondering if you would even let me. Turns out I was right."
I should totally just never talk to him again. All he wants is in my fucking pants.
I just told him that he should come out and see me.
"lol no thanks. i'd much rather be doing this."

I really do pick the winners.