Moonshine

I don’t know I stopped writing here, but I tend to go through spurts of it. Sometimes I will write a lot, but then I won’t write again for another 5 months.

It appears that I haven’t written for 8 months. Since that horrible ordeal that I went through with boyfriend, not knowing what he wanted. So many tears were shed during that time, and I honestly didn’t know how the whole thing was going to end. Would it end? Or would we somehow find a way to get past it?

Somehow, we did find a way to get past it, but not in the normal way. We didn’t talk about our feelings, he didn’t tell me what had happened, what had made him flip the way he did. I think I know what it was about (his age, a lot of his friends are either engaged or married), but we never talked about it. Which isn’t healthy, I know, but we are both people who avoid confrontations where people will get hurt. And we were both so hurt during that time. He told me later that when we were laying in bed, him holding me, I broke his heart when I said, “Is this the last time you will hold me like this?” We both cried that night. We both cried the next morning as well, as I packed up everything I owned and left.

Neither of us wanted to talk about that time. We didn’t want to go back to those feelings of hurt and confusion.

So for a month it was weird. We were in such a weird place. I wasn’t sure how long it would last, he wasn’t sure how long it would last and if he wanted to put himself in that vulnerable position again.

But slowly, my stuff made its way back. I completely removed myself from his life, made it so that if he wanted me, he had to do it. And he did. He talked to me more, wanted me to come out more. I gave him the option to come to me or leave me, and, thankfully, he came to me.

We celebrated our one year together; but not how I would have wanted it. Our one year happens to fall the weekend of his family’s reunion, as he officially asked me as he was about to embark on the trip. Probably to ensure that I would not fool around with any other guy while he was gone. Anyways, it was spent in the truck, making the 6 hour drive to his family’s cabin.

Then last July, he said we should discuss moving in together.

Last October, I moved in.